Thursday, December 13, 2012

Karmic Synergy

He called.
He actually called.
I couldn't believe it.
I was up late writing a poem about our relationship (lame I know) when I get a text from random number.
And it was him.
We had a good conversation. But now I'm wondering if its worth trying again with him. Which we didn't talk about, getting together that is. I do want him in my life but as a boyfriend I'm not so sure anymore.
I know I've changed and I'm stronger than before but I tend to become weak in a relationship. And what if he hasn't changed? Then I definitely couldn't be with him. I'd be devastated all over again. I won't let that happen twice. I can't.
The only to figure this out I guess is to start over. Start as friends and see how things go. See if he's changed. See if you change around him. Don't dive in too soon. Make sure you are ready and that he is too. Don't rush into things like last time. Take it slow even as friends. Please listen to this advice! You need to remember these words to protect your heart. Please.

Wednesday, December 12, 2012

Monday, December 10, 2012

What Could Have Been

Today would have been one year strong if He had not abandoned me exactly 2 months ago. How should I feel about this day?
I don't know how I should feel. I shouldn't feel nostalgic but part of me does. I shouldn't feel sad anymore but how can I not be sad when this day could have turned out so differently? Part of me also knows that my expectations of today if we were still together would be too high for him, even though I never asked much of him. Flowers maybe? I would be satisfied with that and to spend the day with him, or even just to cook dinner together and enjoy each others company. I would have been happy with that. Would that have been too much to ask? I don't know, but I feel that it truly isn't that much to ask for. But it would have been too much for him; I am sure of that. He would put everything above our relationship and me. This day probably wouldn't have mattered to him compared with everything else of his. I'm sure I haven't even crossed his mind today, let alone the past month.
I really should not be going on about him like this, but I don't know how not to. How do you get over your first love? Someone tell me please! He doesn't care about me, I know this, and it kills me inside, because I know I would still do anything for him. I want to hate him, but hating him makes me hate myself. I just wish things could go back. Back to the beginning when things were new and good, and there were butterflies in my stomach every time he crossed my mind. When he was good to me, when he cared. I don't want anyone else, but he wants anyone else but me. Knowing that causes a pain deep inside my chest like nothing I have ever known. It is a pain I can't understand, because I know I did everything I possibly could for him, to save us, and never once hurt him. I was good to him, the best anyone could find. I did everything for him. Everything. How can he want someone else after all that? I just don't understand. Will I ever be able to understand? Sometimes I wish I had done something wrong, something to hurt him, just so I could understand how he could not want me any more.
But I didn't do anything wrong. I am sure of this. So somehow, in time, I will have to figure out how to get him out of my mind. I know there will always be a special, soft place in my heart for him, as my first love, but as of right now I am still in love with him, and I need to get over that. I need to get rid of the tiny, flickering light of hope I have for us to get back together one day. I am holding onto something that will never come true. We won't have a happy ending. The end of our story has already occurred and it is time for me to move onto another story, instead of rereading ours over and over again in my head.
He does not care about me and I should not care about someone who does not care about me. It should be as simple as that. This day has no meaning anymore. It is just another day in my life. And that's all.

Saturday, December 8, 2012

No Regrets

I am restless.
Wanting things to change.
Waiting for things to change.
And things have changed. Somewhat. But I need more! There is more for me out there than this, and I'm determined to get more. I really should be more patient about things, but I am an impatient person. I know what I want, and I want it now. But even I know that I need to make sure I can handle a full and exciting life before I go for it because I tend to crack under stress. I will not let that happen. Not anymore. I am finally starting to live my life, and although it has been and will be tough, I am going to make the most of it. Live every experience to the fullest. I won't let myself miss out on anything else after all that I've missed so far in my life. There will be no regrets. I'm going to make it happen, just you watch (:

Let Him Go..

I still miss him.
Tell yourself everyday: things happen for a reason, you are much too good for him, you can't fix him and he can't fix you,
I try to believe it but there is a pain deep in my chest whispering, "don't give up just yet," while ever other fiber of my being screams LET him GO!!!
I need to let him go. I know this, but I can't. I want to and yet it's so much more difficult than wanting not to feel something. Part of me just doesn't want to give up hope for us, but the other part of me just wants to be free of him.
He only holds me back now. He does nothing else but that. He will never call. He will never say the words I want to hear so desperately. He does nothing for me, as I sit here writing like a pathetic schoolgirl hopelessly in love with someone who will never care or worry for me the way I have cared for him.
It is torture.

Saturday, December 1, 2012

People are Cowards

Sometimes I wish I wasn't alive, I'm tired of feeling only pain when all I give to everyone is love, kindness, and honesty. I don't know who's the bigger coward: the blissfully ignorant or me?

Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Time To Get In Shape

I have not been doing so well diet wise. Weight wise, it is not so bad, but I really need to get my butt in shape!
When I first moved here (to SJ) I went down to 122.6 lbs in a week. But my food choices, while limited, were very unhealthy, and it has begun to show on my skin :/ blotchy and little pimples appearing everywhere.
So if that doesn't mean it's time to change my eating habits than I don't know what is.
So I will make myself write daily entries in a food journal EVERYday, starting bright and early tomorrow morning...which normally would be horrible considering it's Thanksgiving Day, but I won't be participating as I am far away from my family this year.
CW: 123.6 lbs
GW1: Dec 1st
GW2: Dec 15th
UGW: Jan 1st
Also I will (promise this time!) begin my workout routine tomorrow and keep it up throughout the weeks!
Wish luck!

Thursday, November 15, 2012

Sleep is for the weak?

It's 1:34 am. Lying in bed. Wide awake. Thoughts are loud.
I hate sleepless nights. Feeling restless is torture when all I want is the comfort of a deep, peaceful sleep. Those are the most refreshing but lately I can't seem to sleep that well. I do have a lot on my mind, and can't seem to relax. That must be my problem. How can I relax though? Loneliness and money problems are a major downer, even when I'm being as positive as I possibly can. I need to figure out a better solution but its driving me mad as I'm always thinking about that.

It's too late to write, my eyes are closing, so I will try to sleep and write something better tomorrow. Goodnight world

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

Maybe It Won't Be So Bad...

Hello everyone! I know it's been a few days since my last entry and awhile since my last food entry but its been so hectic I've hardly had time to get anything done!
So I am finally officially moved in with my uncle in SJ. My room is nice and I'm excited about started school next semester...but sometimes I still doubt I've made the right decision.
Should I have gone with my parents back to oakieville temporarily or was moving here to SJ the best decision?
I am a family person to the core. My mom and I don't get along whatsoever, although I love her to death, but her company is comforting. And as for my father, we are so much alike, and I look up to him for everything. Being so far away from them will definitely be difficult for me, but I am 21 years old and it's time for me to leave the nest. They will only be a phone call away when I have a bad day or need their advice or even just to say hi.
My other worry is that I have no friends here, yet anyway; there is only people I have known and can longer know because of him.
I tried to fix things between him and I. And we did for a night. He cried and cried on the phone to me spewing out all his bullshit, which I of course fell for once more.
"I have always loved life has been shit since you left...I never deserved deserve so much better...I want to're the only person I talk to...everybody hates me..." You get the point.
And I believed every single word he said and I felt like all was right; we could still be together if he can change (which he knew he needed to).
But once the sun came up the fantasy ended and he was back to being an asshole, and he ended up hurting me more than before. So I had to let go, really let go. I told him I would never speak to him again and told him what I thought of him, which was not nice, although it was a true description of his real character.
I cried all night. He made me feel like I didn't want to live anymore. I cut. I needed to feel real pain to distract from the pain inside that wouldn't leave my body.
No one should ever have so much power over you, that they have the ability to make you feel like you aren't worth being alive anymore. No one.
He ruined my fresh start. I ruined my fresh start. I began to think whether I could handle being in the same city as him. Had I made the right decision?
I'm still not quite sure but I do know that I don't want to go to oakieville. I know that I really want to go to school and still be close with my old friends. And now I know that I am not going to let him mess this up for me, I won't let him. Even though I still care, I will pretend I don't, until one day when he won't even cross my mind.
This is my time, why should I let someone who does not matter mess it up? No one will hold that power over me any longer.
So yes must be the answer I've been looking for; I did make the right decision.

Friday, November 2, 2012

Letter to him

Dear Asshole,
You shattered my heart and left me when I needed you most. You lied about everything. I trusted you...
And the thing that's the saddest is I would still do anything for you. I still love you after all you've put me through and you don't give a damn about me. Even though I love you, I hate you too and I don't want to but I should. I should hate you. You were more than horrible to me. I want closure. I want these feelings for you to go away as if I never felt them at all but it's not that easy. I don't understand how it was so easy for you to let me go. Sometimes I wish I had never met you. Why can't you just be there for me like you promised me? Why? Why did you do this to me? I hate you. I will never forgive you. Ugh I don't want to feel this way anymore!!!! Just tell me you're sorry, genuinely and I will leave you alone. Closure.

Wednesday, October 31, 2012

The Unknown

First off, HAPPY HALLOWEEN everyone!!!
This has to be one of my favorite holidays. Unfortunately because I'm stuck in this lame city until tomorrow there has been no opportunities to find any awesome Halloween parties. Which is so sad because dressing up will never get old for me. Anyway if I end up staying in SJ for a few years (most likely) there will be many more opportunities for good times to come.

Now on to a more serious
Not good.
I'm horrible!
I completely suck at being consistent!
Honestly though, trying to be consistent while in the hectic situation I'm in right now, is extremely hard!
Packing, studying, stressing, parents freaking out, etc.
It's hard to keep anything in control! I can't even think straight for more than a minute. It hurts my brain!
I don't think the situation will really calm down until December, but beginning tomorrow everything will slowly start to come together, and I might be able to have a semi-normal life of a college student, while working full time.
Because tomorrow I move to SJ.
Which I am very excited for, as well as so nervous, I could puke.
Sometimes I wish I would, if only to make the feeling go away for good.
If it wasn't for HIM, that evil, un-caring person who shattered my heart, I would be all smiles, with no bad nerves whatsoever.
I try not to let him invade my thoughts, but my anger towards him always breaks through the walls I have built up to protect myself from thinking about him.
These thoughts have been no friend for my diet either.
My nerves, and anger, and sadness towards HIM, and my family, and this ugly financial situation we are in has only worsened the amount and type of food I have been eating.
Also we are very  poor, and there is not many choices, especially for a picky eater like me. It drives me crazy, and only makes me more frustrated!
So I end up eating the only things here I can, oatmeal, toast, hot chocolate, hot dogs (ew),  etc.
There is no fruit, no vegetables, nothing light and filling. Just junk that doesnt taste good and makes me feel like shit after eating it.
Unfortunately I can't be sure my diet will get any better in SJ. With no job, there is no money, which means my choices are limited to the person who has the money to buy the groceries. And that person would be my uncle, a bachelor with no idea what healthy means.
But soon I will have a job, and I will be able to buy my own groceries! I'll make sure of it!!
My goal is to have a job by mid November or sooner!
And even so with my poor choices of food to eat, I want to be 117 by mid November as well.
Right now I am stuck at 125 sometimes rising to 127 :(
not good. So let's make it happen!
I know I have a couple readers out there, so like I said before, I'd love some feedback. Tips, support, anything, okay? And I'll do the same for you.

Wish me luck!

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Keep Moving Forward

I feel like shit.
surprise, surprise!
I was on vacation with my family the whole weekend, about 4 days total, and the trip screwed up everything!
My diet was getting under control; I had begun to exercise and lose some weight! Until the vacation. I put on all the weight I had just lost! I am ashamed and discouraged, but finally today I got back in action.
I just have to remember to keep moving forward. There will always be setbacks but as long as I stay strong and work hard everyday to get what I want, I know I will succeed!
My diet wasn't the best today but I still did okay. I also exercised today! It felt amazing! Hopefully when I move to SJ there will be a pool nearby where I can swim. That is my favorite sport/exercise. So calming and refreshing, and also easy on the joints. Anyway...I found out yesterday I will be moving to SJ in about a week or less. I am excited but also extremely nervous. I'm mostly nervous about running into HIM. I'm so strung up on him, it would be a disaster for me to see him, even though that's all I want to do at the same time. Like I said before, I need to make sure I look stunning when I do see him so that he will always regret leaving me. So I need to keep moving forward! :)

Diet Journal:
-October 24:
  -Toast w/ butter & jelly (125 kcal)
  -10 Saltine crackers (120 kcal)
  -Frosted flakes cereal, about 2 large bowls (650 kcal) :(
-Total: 895

Not my best, but happy to be under 1000kcal.

Exercise Journal:
-October 24:
  -60 sit-ups
  -30 squats w/ 5 lb. weight per hand
  -3 different reps of 20 arm exercises w/ weights
  -Stretches for 30 min.

Let's hope for a better tomorrow, and never forget - keep moving forward!

Saturday, October 20, 2012

Never good ENOUGH

I just don't understand. Am  I doing something wrong?
I always put myself out there. I try. I try so hard. Why is it never good for anyone?
Why am I never good enough for anyone?
I am a good person. I am one of the most trusting, loyal and honest people you can meet.
Why can't that be enough? Why...?
Someone please tell me because I can't seem to understand.
Maybe if I lose enough weight will that be good enough?
Or if I get surgery to look like the prettiest celebrity?
When can I, just me, be good enough?
I'm tired of trying...
Some days I just want to disappear.
Maybe it will be better that way.
I don't exactly want to die, but I don't want to live either.
I'm tired of being hurt...
So maybe it's time to disappear and stop trying because I'm not sure I can handle never being good enough anymore

Friday, October 19, 2012

Keep Calm

Keep calm, keep calm....and don't go completely insane!
Anger is just coursing through my entire body, and I wish more than anything I could make him feel my pain, my heartache, I wish I could feel nothing for him as he feels nothing for me now.
and why does my life have to be so unfortunate?!
My family is poor which has inevitably made me poor. My parents are so poor in fact that they are going to be moving back to Oakie-ville with my grandma and there is no way I'm going back to Oakie-ville, so guess what my only other option is because I am poor also?
The city where HE resides during the school year. No I don't have any friends besides his in this city (let's call it SJ) which sucks but my friends that I do have are closer from SJ than they are from Oakie-ville. Yes I am trying to make friends which are unfortunately semi-close friends with him, but it is hard for me to make friends and I like the people who happen to be his friends. A lot too, which really, really sucks. I really wish that we could all hang out together and I could be completely fine and normal around him, but he hurt me terribly, and I'm not the kind to forget that pain, or the person who caused it.  And if these people choose to be friends with me also, which I do hope they will, I will definitely, no question about it, run into him. I hope when that day comes that 1) I will be Smokin' hot with guys drooling for me, and 2)I will be strong, confident, and not feel the pain of my heart breaking all over again.
Which means I need to prepare and truly stick to a non-fat, low calorie diet, and have an extremely grueling workout routine.
But unfortunately and fortunately I am spending a weekend with my family in a lake cabin, for free, and it's hard to hide my eating habits, to resist the great food, and to be able to have time to exercise.
Someone help me please!!! Advice, tips, support, anything. I really need it right now.
If I don't look awesome when I finally run into him, I will be devastated :(

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

This is so hard, but it's amazing when I see the results at the end of the day! I made a few horrible choices today but luckily didn't really eat anything else. And again i'm starving right now, but it's nothing a few grapes and a lot of water won't fix :)

Diet Journal:
-October 17:
  -Homemade sugar cookies w/ frosting, 3 (should have never made these! 400 kcal)
  -Saltine crackers, 6 (72 kcal)
  -Toast w/ butter (120 kcal)
  -Grapes, 15, (30 kcal)
-Total: 622

Not too bad, and better than yesterday! Let's hope it keeps going just like this

HW: 127.2

CW: 125.6

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

So today I did not eat very well, not very much, but not anything healthy. all nasty and fattening.

Diet Journal:
-October 15:
  -Maple & brown sugar oats
  -Toast with butter
  -13 Saltine crackers
  -Spaghetti (no meat just tomato sauce with garlic)
  -Sugar cookie, homemade, 1 with no frosting, 3 with frosting :(
 *not going to give a kcal count on this one because we all know its going to be absolutely horrible anyway!

-October 16:
  -Sugar cookies, plain, 2 (160 kcal)
  -Cheez-its,15 (90 kcal)
  -Frosted mini wheats w/ 2% milk (375 kcal)
  -BBQ potato chips, 4 (40 kcal)
-Total: 665 kcal

Best calorie count in a long time!! pretty happy with that, but wish i could go lower still and definitely make better choices. But i'm pretty hungry right now so I need to go to bed and sleep it off.

HW: 127.2 lbs.
CW: 126.2 lbs. :)
GW2: 117 lbs.
UGW: 112.5 lbs. (maybe even less, but not until I get to this weight)

Sunday, October 14, 2012

Diet Journal:
- October 14:
  -Whole wheat bread with butter & jelly (200 kcal)
  -Cartoon mac & cheese with butter, milk, & salt (entire box, 1050 kcal)
  -Progresso beef stew soup (100 kcal)
  -Artisan bread (4 slices, 200 kcal)
  -Saltines (3 crackers, 36 kcal)
  -Strawberry and banana yogurt (50 kcal)
-Total: 1636 kcal

If only I could've resisted the mac & cheese!! It was all good except for that grrr.
Whatever I will do better tomorrow. Also tomorrow I am going to start a new exercise routine!
Wish me luck!

The End of Him

I just miss him. I shouldn't. But I do. I miss him so much.
He left me when I needed him most and now my trust in humanity is at an all time low.
I hate the way things ended. To end things at all was going to break my heart, but the way you decided to end things shattered my heart, almost to no repair.
I gave him everything. I was always so good to him. I loved him with all my heart.
All I ever got back was...hurt. He cheated, lied, and never could support me emotionally. And yet I stayed, always. I had already fallen in love and I can't just let go...I can't give up when I still feel love for him.
Even now I still love him. Even though he called me a fucking psycho, just because I needed him when my world was falling apart and he didn't want to deal with it. Even though he said he didn't love me. Even when he said it wasn't real, anything he said to me. I have no choice now. I can't take any more blows from him.
He told me to leave him alone, and after everything that's been said and done, I just don't have the strength to fight for anymore. I've been worn down to the ground, nothing left.
I need time to rebuild.
When things get better for me, He's going to wish he had stuck around. Even if things don't get better, I know he will always regret how we ended and how he treated me. I know he will never find someone who will be as good to him or love him as much as I did.
But I refuse to be treated that way again, so him and I will never be together later on.
I deserve better.

Diet Journal:
-October 13:
  -Homemade buttermilk pancake with butter and syrup
  -12 oz. 2% milk
  -Whole wheat Ritz crackers (8)
  -Cheddar cheese (1X2" block)
  -10 oz. grape juice
  -Flour tortillas, small (2)
  -Pinto beans (3 tbsp)
  -Mixed cheese (1/4 cup?)
  -Seasoned ground beef (1/3 cup)
  -Strawberry banana yogurt, light
  -Red seedless grapes (10)

Again not the best dieting day....but it's so hard to stay straight when my emotions are at an all time high and I'm an emotional eater! It's not fair!
Oh and awesome...just realized my sister's stupid cat pissed on my bed. Great. My week just keeps on getting better. And I'm hungry again. I should be asleep already but my mind is in turmoil and just won't shut off. Looks like it's going to be a long night full of bad decisions ahead of me...
Most likely there will be more posts to come later tonight, complaining about my life. If not, goodnight, and skinny dreams

Saturday, October 13, 2012


Yup, I've failed again. Nothing is in my control and I'm going insane!
My life is in shambles, why can't I at least have my diet under control? Just one thing, that's all I ask...nothing else in my life goes right. Is it really too much to ask that one thing go right?
I am 21. No job, no money, not going to school. Just lost my boyfriend. Only one semi close friend. I am a loser. This is not where I am supposed to be!
I've tried so hard but bad shit just keeps coming my way. I need it to change, but how? I've tried pretty much everything and I'm exhausted.
Sometimes I just wish it all would end.

current weight: 127.2 lbs
goal weight: 112.5 lbs
goal date: December 1st

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

Day One:
*Nature Valley granola bar
*Minute Maid orange juice (12 oz. bottle)
*Sierra Mist (1 can)
*BBQ chicken pizza with extra cheese (3 slices)
*Ranch (2 oz.)
*Hostess powdered donuts (5)
*Sour gummy bears (2 pieces)
*Water (32 oz.)

Horrible! Why can't I ever get the craving of donuts out of my system!? >:(
No more pizza OR donuts. Also NO more:
soda/juice drunks
candy...This will be incredulously hard, as it's October, and Zachary's candy corn is my absolute weakness of all sweets!
ANYthing that goes under the category "junk"

Day two must be better!Day two goals:
*Nature Valley granola bar
*OR oatmeal
*Ritz wheat crackers
*Some version of a healthy, low kcal dinner meal, ie rice &veggies w/ sauce
*Water ONLY

Tomorrow we will see if I have succeeded it!