Wednesday, November 7, 2012

Maybe It Won't Be So Bad...

Hello everyone! I know it's been a few days since my last entry and awhile since my last food entry but its been so hectic I've hardly had time to get anything done!
So I am finally officially moved in with my uncle in SJ. My room is nice and I'm excited about started school next semester...but sometimes I still doubt I've made the right decision.
Should I have gone with my parents back to oakieville temporarily or was moving here to SJ the best decision?
I am a family person to the core. My mom and I don't get along whatsoever, although I love her to death, but her company is comforting. And as for my father, we are so much alike, and I look up to him for everything. Being so far away from them will definitely be difficult for me, but I am 21 years old and it's time for me to leave the nest. They will only be a phone call away when I have a bad day or need their advice or even just to say hi.
My other worry is that I have no friends here, yet anyway; there is only people I have known and can longer know because of him.
I tried to fix things between him and I. And we did for a night. He cried and cried on the phone to me spewing out all his bullshit, which I of course fell for once more.
"I have always loved life has been shit since you left...I never deserved deserve so much better...I want to're the only person I talk to...everybody hates me..." You get the point.
And I believed every single word he said and I felt like all was right; we could still be together if he can change (which he knew he needed to).
But once the sun came up the fantasy ended and he was back to being an asshole, and he ended up hurting me more than before. So I had to let go, really let go. I told him I would never speak to him again and told him what I thought of him, which was not nice, although it was a true description of his real character.
I cried all night. He made me feel like I didn't want to live anymore. I cut. I needed to feel real pain to distract from the pain inside that wouldn't leave my body.
No one should ever have so much power over you, that they have the ability to make you feel like you aren't worth being alive anymore. No one.
He ruined my fresh start. I ruined my fresh start. I began to think whether I could handle being in the same city as him. Had I made the right decision?
I'm still not quite sure but I do know that I don't want to go to oakieville. I know that I really want to go to school and still be close with my old friends. And now I know that I am not going to let him mess this up for me, I won't let him. Even though I still care, I will pretend I don't, until one day when he won't even cross my mind.
This is my time, why should I let someone who does not matter mess it up? No one will hold that power over me any longer.
So yes must be the answer I've been looking for; I did make the right decision.

No comments:

Post a Comment