Tuesday, June 18, 2013

Complications of Love and Life

The ability to love easily is my greatest strength and my biggest weakness.
How can I still love the one who threw me to the side when I needed him most. The one who never treated me the way I deserved. The one who now gives everything I wanted from him to another girl.
Why wasn't I enough to make him want to do those things for me? Why does she get from him what I couldn't? I know that I am better, I loved him more. I tried with all my might and power to make him want us and it was never enough! So what the hell makes her so special?! Can someone please explain this to me because I don't think I'll ever be able to understand this...and if I can't understand this I'm not sure I'll ever be able to get over this situation...over him. And that's not fair. It's not fair to me, and it's especially not fair to Sig. He loves me so much. He would be willing to give me pretty much anything I wanted or needed but even though I do love Sig, I still love the one who broke my heart. Sig doesn't deserve that. No one does. I am ashamed of myself so much sometimes I can't even let Sig touch me. I feel like the most horrible and deceiving person alive. I'm not sure what I want right now. My mind changes from day to day of what I want and what I should do. I feel as if I'm going to insane. The pain and stress that those thoughts cause me is almost enough to make me do something disastrous like opting out of this life. The pain is so great I don't know how else to let it go...to just make it go away once and for all. I'm so confused with life. Can't someone just tell me what to do, what's right, who I am supposed to be with???

Monday, May 13, 2013

The Story of Us (Part I)

Well...I've been waiting for the right time to tell you all of my wonderful new boyfriend that I met back in November, but once something good comes into my life, all the bad comes along with it.

November seems so long ago now, I feel like a completely different person once again. Let's see what I can remember:
I had just moved to SJ at the beginning of the month, and within two weeks I had found a job. Despite everything that recently happened with my ex-boyfriend, things were looking up. I was determined to show him that I could be -that I was- better without him. I would do marvelous things and show him what a wonderful woman he gave up on.
But I was sad still. And lonely, so lonely. Despite how much He hurt me, I missed him badly. I felt ashamed for wanting someone who treated me so badly, for how I craved his attention, his "love." I was pathetic and had not one friend to help me build myself back up after He tore me down to my lowest point.
I was vulnerable and He knew it. He began to call, to text.
But it didn't feel right. It wasn't the same.
I realized I had begun to fall out of love with him after the first time he broke my heart. But I stayed. I thought I loved him, and most importantly I wanted to love him, and him love me. I was not one to give up easily on someone I cared about. I let him break my heart, embarrass me, and tear down my self esteem right from the beginning.
Finally I got enough confidence to realize he wasn't the one for me; I deserved better.

November 16, my first day at work. I was training on the computers located in the break room. Hardily paying attention to the boring videos playing, I was curiously watching from the corner of my eye all the different employees pass through the break room. No one particularly stood out - just regular people trying to get through work, until a man caught my eye.
He was attractive, blue eyes, with a chiseled jaw. We looked into each others eyes, blushed and turned away. I left that day with a smile, hoping to see the handsome stranger again. After the Thanksgiving rush I officially began working and to my dismay there was no sign of the handsome stranger.
I was losing hope of seeing him again, when one day we happened to have our breaks at the same time. I was being loud in the break room, poking fun with my new coworkers. He joined in our conversations, and once some others left he began to ask me some friendly questions, which I happily answered.
We began to have our breaks coincidentally together, and everytime we would talk with each other. There was this feeling inside me that he brought out. It was like nothing I have ever experienced before. It just felt good, it felt more than good, it felt right. When we talked we would stare into each others' eyes with a fiery intensity that felt unbreakable. As one coworker later described our gaze, "it looked like you guys wanted to devour each other."
And I did want to devour him. I wanted to know everything about him, I craved him. He made me feel incredible with just a look. I waited for him to make a move but I was afraid he didn't feel the same way.
One night about a week before Christmas I decided to go grocery shopping -at the store we both worked at. To my delight I noticed he was working. Trying not to be too eager I continued my shopping when I was stopped by a stranger.
"hey you're Elle right?"
"uhh, yes I am?"
"hi my name's (*name*), and my friend Sig* over there really likes you but is too shy to talk to you. You should go over there and talk to him."
(his friend was trying  to give him a hard time)
Slightly embarrassed but overjoyed, I walked over to Sig with confidence and started a conversation.
That night he gave me his number.
I felt beyond happy and excited to start something new.
When I called we talked for 4 hours, and the very next night we went to Denny's after work and talked until the sun was almost up. He bought me flowers on Christmas. They were the first flowers I had ever gotten from a man.

~to be continued~
(ps sorry for the long explanations...I am a detail oriented person and can't help but put all the details I can remember in my stories! That way nothing is left out)

Tuesday, March 19, 2013


Last night, unable to sleep, I sat cross-legged on the edge of the bed softly crying. Not too loud but loud enough to wake up my boyfriend trying to sleep next to me.
"What's wrong?" He asks.
All I can do is stare blankly and mutter, "I don't know...I don't know..."
My mind, what a fucked up place it is.
Beyond repair? Lately I'd say yes.

I feel as if I am nothing. I am just a waste of space. I want to shrink into the smallest form I can, until there is almost nothing left. I try, and I try, and I try, and in the end I always fail. It's a vicious cycle bound to repeat itself again and again over time. What is anything worth anymore when in the end I always fail?

I just want to feel beautiful and be happy and somewhat successful in my life. I really don't think that is too much to ask for. I just want change. I want it so badly I am making myself fail. I don't how to get past myself and my disabilities to get to that place I dream of. There is so many things that I let hold me back from being this successful, happy and beautiful person I want to be. They say anything is possible...but I don't know what to believe anymore.

Thursday, December 13, 2012

Karmic Synergy

He called.
He actually called.
I couldn't believe it.
I was up late writing a poem about our relationship (lame I know) when I get a text from random number.
And it was him.
We had a good conversation. But now I'm wondering if its worth trying again with him. Which we didn't talk about, getting together that is. I do want him in my life but as a boyfriend I'm not so sure anymore.
I know I've changed and I'm stronger than before but I tend to become weak in a relationship. And what if he hasn't changed? Then I definitely couldn't be with him. I'd be devastated all over again. I won't let that happen twice. I can't.
The only to figure this out I guess is to start over. Start as friends and see how things go. See if he's changed. See if you change around him. Don't dive in too soon. Make sure you are ready and that he is too. Don't rush into things like last time. Take it slow even as friends. Please listen to this advice! You need to remember these words to protect your heart. Please.

Wednesday, December 12, 2012

Monday, December 10, 2012

What Could Have Been

Today would have been one year strong if He had not abandoned me exactly 2 months ago. How should I feel about this day?
I don't know how I should feel. I shouldn't feel nostalgic but part of me does. I shouldn't feel sad anymore but how can I not be sad when this day could have turned out so differently? Part of me also knows that my expectations of today if we were still together would be too high for him, even though I never asked much of him. Flowers maybe? I would be satisfied with that and to spend the day with him, or even just to cook dinner together and enjoy each others company. I would have been happy with that. Would that have been too much to ask? I don't know, but I feel that it truly isn't that much to ask for. But it would have been too much for him; I am sure of that. He would put everything above our relationship and me. This day probably wouldn't have mattered to him compared with everything else of his. I'm sure I haven't even crossed his mind today, let alone the past month.
I really should not be going on about him like this, but I don't know how not to. How do you get over your first love? Someone tell me please! He doesn't care about me, I know this, and it kills me inside, because I know I would still do anything for him. I want to hate him, but hating him makes me hate myself. I just wish things could go back. Back to the beginning when things were new and good, and there were butterflies in my stomach every time he crossed my mind. When he was good to me, when he cared. I don't want anyone else, but he wants anyone else but me. Knowing that causes a pain deep inside my chest like nothing I have ever known. It is a pain I can't understand, because I know I did everything I possibly could for him, to save us, and never once hurt him. I was good to him, the best anyone could find. I did everything for him. Everything. How can he want someone else after all that? I just don't understand. Will I ever be able to understand? Sometimes I wish I had done something wrong, something to hurt him, just so I could understand how he could not want me any more.
But I didn't do anything wrong. I am sure of this. So somehow, in time, I will have to figure out how to get him out of my mind. I know there will always be a special, soft place in my heart for him, as my first love, but as of right now I am still in love with him, and I need to get over that. I need to get rid of the tiny, flickering light of hope I have for us to get back together one day. I am holding onto something that will never come true. We won't have a happy ending. The end of our story has already occurred and it is time for me to move onto another story, instead of rereading ours over and over again in my head.
He does not care about me and I should not care about someone who does not care about me. It should be as simple as that. This day has no meaning anymore. It is just another day in my life. And that's all.

Saturday, December 8, 2012

No Regrets

I am restless.
Wanting things to change.
Waiting for things to change.
And things have changed. Somewhat. But I need more! There is more for me out there than this, and I'm determined to get more. I really should be more patient about things, but I am an impatient person. I know what I want, and I want it now. But even I know that I need to make sure I can handle a full and exciting life before I go for it because I tend to crack under stress. I will not let that happen. Not anymore. I am finally starting to live my life, and although it has been and will be tough, I am going to make the most of it. Live every experience to the fullest. I won't let myself miss out on anything else after all that I've missed so far in my life. There will be no regrets. I'm going to make it happen, just you watch (: