tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27080632659252545522024-03-13T23:59:29.295-07:00The Choronicles of a PerfectionistEllehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15997706719395116504noreply@blogger.comBlogger24125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2708063265925254552.post-314254186483624622013-06-18T13:13:00.000-07:002013-06-18T13:13:40.628-07:00Complications of Love and LifeThe ability to love easily is my greatest strength and my biggest weakness.<br />
How can I still love the one who threw me to the side when I needed him most. The one who never treated me the way I deserved. The one who now gives everything I wanted from him to another girl.<br />
Why wasn't I enough to make him want to do those things for me? Why does she get from him what I couldn't? I know that I am better, I loved him more. I tried with all my might and power to make him want us and it was never enough! So what the hell makes her so special?! Can someone please explain this to me because I don't think I'll ever be able to understand this...and if I can't understand this I'm not sure I'll ever be able to get over this situation...over him. And that's not fair. It's not fair to me, and it's especially not fair to Sig. He loves me so much. He would be willing to give me pretty much anything I wanted or needed but even though I do love Sig, I still love the one who broke my heart. Sig doesn't deserve that. No one does. I am ashamed of myself so much sometimes I can't even let Sig touch me. I feel like the most horrible and deceiving person alive. I'm not sure what I want right now. My mind changes from day to day of what I want and what I should do. I feel as if I'm going to insane. The pain and stress that those thoughts cause me is almost enough to make me do something disastrous like opting out of this life. The pain is so great I don't know how else to let it go...to just make it go away once and for all. I'm so confused with life. Can't someone just tell me what to do, what's right, who I am supposed to be with???Ellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15997706719395116504noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2708063265925254552.post-79378237855512385072013-05-13T01:07:00.000-07:002013-05-13T01:12:39.893-07:00The Story of Us (Part I)Well...I've been waiting for the right time to tell you all of my wonderful new boyfriend that I met back in November, but once something good comes into my life, all the bad comes along with it.<br />
<br />
November seems so long ago now, I feel like a completely different person once again. Let's see what I can remember:<br />
I had just moved to SJ at the beginning of the month, and within two weeks I had found a job. Despite everything that recently happened with my ex-boyfriend, things were looking up. I was determined to show him that I could be -that I was- better without him. I would do marvelous things and show him what a wonderful woman he gave up on.<br />
But I was sad still. And lonely, so lonely. Despite how much He hurt me, I missed him badly. I felt ashamed for wanting someone who treated me so badly, for how I craved his attention, his "love." I was pathetic and had not one friend to help me build myself back up after He tore me down to my lowest point.<br />
I was vulnerable and He knew it. He began to call, to text.<br />
But it didn't feel right. It wasn't the same.<br />
I realized I had begun to fall out of love with him after the first time he broke my heart. But I stayed. I thought I loved him, and most importantly I wanted to love him, and him love me. I was not one to give up easily on someone I cared about. I let him break my heart, embarrass me, and tear down my self esteem right from the beginning.<br />
Finally I got enough confidence to realize he wasn't the one for me; I deserved better.<br />
<br />
November 16, my first day at work. I was training on the computers located in the break room. Hardily paying attention to the boring videos playing, I was curiously watching from the corner of my eye all the different employees pass through the break room. No one particularly stood out - just regular people trying to get through work, until a man caught my eye.<br />
He was attractive, blue eyes, with a chiseled jaw. We looked into each others eyes, blushed and turned away. I left that day with a smile, hoping to see the handsome stranger again. After the Thanksgiving rush I officially began working and to my dismay there was no sign of the handsome stranger. <br />
I was losing hope of seeing him again, when one day we happened to have our breaks at the same time. I was being loud in the break room, poking fun with my new coworkers. He joined in our conversations, and once some others left he began to ask me some friendly questions, which I happily answered.<br />
We began to have our breaks coincidentally together, and everytime we would talk with each other. There was this feeling inside me that he brought out. It was like nothing I have ever experienced before. It just felt good, it felt more than good, it felt right. When we talked we would stare into each others' eyes with a fiery intensity that felt unbreakable. As one coworker later described our gaze, "it looked like you guys wanted to devour each other."<br />
And I did want to devour him. I wanted to know everything about him, I craved him. He made me feel incredible with just a look. I waited for him to make a move but I was afraid he didn't feel the same way.<br />
One night about a week before Christmas I decided to go grocery shopping -at the store we both worked at. To my delight I noticed he was working. Trying not to be too eager I continued my shopping when I was stopped by a stranger.<br />
"hey you're Elle right?"<br />
"uhh, yes I am?"<br />
"hi my name's (*name*), and my friend Sig* over there really likes you but is too shy to talk to you. You should go over there and talk to him."<br />
(his friend was trying to give him a hard time)<br />
Slightly embarrassed but overjoyed, I walked over to Sig with confidence and started a conversation.<br />
That night he gave me his number.<br />
I felt beyond happy and excited to start something new.<br />
When I called we talked for 4 hours, and the very next night we went to Denny's after work and talked until the sun was almost up. He bought me flowers on Christmas. They were the first flowers I had ever gotten from a man.<br />
<br />
~to be continued~<br />
(ps sorry for the long explanations...I am a detail oriented person and can't help but put all the details I can remember in my stories! That way nothing is left out)<br />
<br />
<br />Ellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15997706719395116504noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2708063265925254552.post-17532631635735437292013-03-19T23:35:00.002-07:002013-03-19T23:35:30.299-07:00Overwhelmed.Last night, unable to sleep, I sat cross-legged on the edge of the bed softly crying. Not too loud but loud enough to wake up my boyfriend trying to sleep next to me.<br />
"What's wrong?" He asks.<br />
All I can do is stare blankly and mutter, "I don't know...I don't know..."<br />
My mind, what a fucked up place it is.<br />
Beyond repair? Lately I'd say yes.<br />
<br />
I feel as if I am nothing. I am just a waste of space. I want to shrink into the smallest form I can, until there is almost nothing left. I try, and I try, and I try, and in the end I always fail. It's a vicious cycle bound to repeat itself again and again over time. What is anything worth anymore when in the end I always fail?<br />
<br />
I just want to feel beautiful and be happy and somewhat successful in my life. I really don't think that is too much to ask for. I just want change. I want it so badly I am making myself fail. I don't how to get past myself and my disabilities to get to that place I dream of. There is so many things that I let hold me back from being this successful, happy and beautiful person I want to be. They say anything is possible...but I don't know what to believe anymore.Ellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15997706719395116504noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2708063265925254552.post-35268212187582155322012-12-13T03:18:00.001-08:002012-12-13T03:18:42.105-08:00Karmic SynergyHe called. <br />
He actually called. <br />
I couldn't believe it. <br />
I was up late writing a poem about our relationship (lame I know) when I get a text from random number. <br />
And it was him. <br />
We had a good conversation. But now I'm wondering if its worth trying again with him. Which we didn't talk about, getting together that is. I do want him in my life but as a boyfriend I'm not so sure anymore. <br />
I know I've changed and I'm stronger than before but I tend to become weak in a relationship. And what if he hasn't changed? Then I definitely couldn't be with him. I'd be devastated all over again. I won't let that happen twice. I can't. <br />
The only to figure this out I guess is to start over. Start as friends and see how things go. See if he's changed. See if you change around him. Don't dive in too soon. Make sure you are ready and that he is too. Don't rush into things like last time. Take it slow even as friends. Please listen to this advice! You need to remember these words to protect your heart. Please. Ellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15997706719395116504noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2708063265925254552.post-31138811518655534942012-12-12T11:44:00.001-08:002012-12-12T11:44:52.398-08:00 <br/><br/><div class="separator"style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjfRXyKG1eYNd8LW4FteVD3uF36M6_jwht3rEEcsz8WDp99SSEL9bWr5trxJtGmb8nN1dRwz84qqqab4WXgzvExHrQvm7lfKo7UZ8JnRHgChy2SoYPKEgZKbZ2MCnMX3aauJz2XfezGrSs/s640/blogger-image-1358959485.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjfRXyKG1eYNd8LW4FteVD3uF36M6_jwht3rEEcsz8WDp99SSEL9bWr5trxJtGmb8nN1dRwz84qqqab4WXgzvExHrQvm7lfKo7UZ8JnRHgChy2SoYPKEgZKbZ2MCnMX3aauJz2XfezGrSs/s640/blogger-image-1358959485.jpg" /></a></div>Ellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15997706719395116504noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2708063265925254552.post-10801806616789821092012-12-10T12:11:00.003-08:002012-12-10T12:11:39.558-08:00What Could Have BeenToday would have been one year strong if He had not abandoned me exactly 2 months ago. How should I feel about this day?<br />
I don't know how I should feel. I shouldn't feel nostalgic but part of me does. I shouldn't feel sad anymore but how can I not be sad when this day could have turned out so differently? Part of me also knows that my expectations of today if we were still together would be too high for him, even though I never asked much of him. Flowers maybe? I would be satisfied with that and to spend the day with him, or even just to cook dinner together and enjoy each others company. I would have been happy with that. Would that have been too much to ask? I don't know, but I feel that it truly isn't that much to ask for. But it would have been too much for him; I am sure of that. He would put everything above our relationship and me. This day probably wouldn't have mattered to him compared with everything else of his. I'm sure I haven't even crossed his mind today, let alone the past month.<br />
I really should not be going on about him like this, but I don't know how not to. How do you get over your first love? Someone tell me please! He doesn't care about me, I know this, and it kills me inside, because I know I would still do anything for him. I want to hate him, but hating him makes me hate myself. I just wish things could go back. Back to the beginning when things were new and good, and there were butterflies in my stomach every time he crossed my mind. When he was good to me, when he cared. I don't want anyone else, but he wants anyone else but me. Knowing that causes a pain deep inside my chest like nothing I have ever known. It is a pain I can't understand, because I know I did everything I possibly could for him, to save us, and never once hurt him. I was good to him, the best anyone could find. I did everything for him. Everything. How can he want someone else after all that? I just don't understand. Will I ever be able to understand? Sometimes I wish I had done something wrong, something to hurt him, just so I could understand how he could not want me any more.<br />
But I didn't do anything wrong. I am sure of this. So somehow, in time, I will have to figure out how to get him out of my mind. I know there will always be a special, soft place in my heart for him, as my first love, but as of right now I am still in love with him, and I need to get over that. I need to get rid of the tiny, flickering light of hope I have for us to get back together one day. I am holding onto something that will never come true. We won't have a happy ending. The end of our story has already occurred and it is time for me to move onto another story, instead of rereading ours over and over again in my head.<br />
He does not care about me and I should not care about someone who does not care about me. It should be as simple as that. This day has no meaning anymore. It is just another day in my life. And that's all.Ellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15997706719395116504noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2708063265925254552.post-43469845823351500992012-12-08T20:24:00.002-08:002012-12-08T20:24:26.932-08:00No RegretsI am restless.<br />
Wanting things to change.<br />
Waiting for things to change.<br />
And things have changed. Somewhat. But I need more! There is more for me out there than this, and I'm determined to get more. I really should be more patient about things, but I am an impatient person. I know what I want, and I want it now. But even I know that I need to make sure I can handle a full and exciting life before I go for it because I tend to crack under stress. I will not let that happen. Not anymore. I am finally starting to live my life, and although it has been and will be tough, I am going to make the most of it. Live every experience to the fullest. I won't let myself miss out on anything else after all that I've missed so far in my life. There will be no regrets. I'm going to make it happen, just you watch (:Ellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15997706719395116504noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2708063265925254552.post-40921743500160481702012-12-08T00:15:00.000-08:002012-12-08T00:15:49.662-08:00Let Him Go..I still miss him.<br />
why?...<br />
Tell yourself everyday: things happen for a reason, you are much too good for him, you can't fix him and he can't fix you,<br />
I try to believe it but there is a pain deep in my chest whispering, "don't give up just yet," while ever other fiber of my being screams LET him GO!!!<br />
I need to let him go. I know this, but I can't. I want to and yet it's so much more difficult than wanting not to feel something. Part of me just doesn't want to give up hope for us, but the other part of me just wants to be free of him.<br />
He only holds me back now. He does nothing else but that. He will never call. He will never say the words I want to hear so desperately. He does nothing for me, as I sit here writing like a pathetic schoolgirl hopelessly in love with someone who will never care or worry for me the way I have cared for him.<br />
It is torture.Ellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15997706719395116504noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2708063265925254552.post-16291477685265806632012-12-01T20:50:00.001-08:002012-12-01T20:50:07.214-08:00People are CowardsSometimes I wish I wasn't alive, I'm tired of feeling only pain when all I give to everyone is love, kindness, and honesty. I don't know who's the bigger coward: the blissfully ignorant or me?Ellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15997706719395116504noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2708063265925254552.post-15970019461183126632012-11-21T22:42:00.001-08:002012-11-21T22:42:19.752-08:00Time To Get In ShapeI have not been doing so well diet wise. Weight wise, it is not so bad, but I really need to get my butt in shape!<br />
When I first moved here (to SJ) I went down to 122.6 lbs in a week. But my food choices, while limited, were very unhealthy, and it has begun to show on my skin :/ blotchy and little pimples appearing everywhere.<br />
So if that doesn't mean it's time to change my eating habits than I don't know what is.<br />
So I will make myself write daily entries in a food journal EVERYday, starting bright and early tomorrow morning...which normally would be horrible considering it's Thanksgiving Day, but I won't be participating as I am far away from my family this year.<br />
CW: 123.6 lbs<br />
GW1: 122...by Dec 1st<br />
GW2: 117...by Dec 15th<br />
UGW: 112...by Jan 1st<br />
Also I will (promise this time!) begin my workout routine tomorrow and keep it up throughout the weeks!<br />
Wish luck!Ellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15997706719395116504noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2708063265925254552.post-38608086795222609432012-11-15T01:44:00.001-08:002012-11-15T01:44:46.361-08:00Sleep is for the weak?It's 1:34 am. Lying in bed. Wide awake. Thoughts are loud.<br />
I hate sleepless nights. Feeling restless is torture when all I want is the comfort of a deep, peaceful sleep. Those are the most refreshing but lately I can't seem to sleep that well. I do have a lot on my mind, and can't seem to relax. That must be my problem. How can I relax though? Loneliness and money problems are a major downer, even when I'm being as positive as I possibly can. I need to figure out a better solution but its driving me mad as I'm always thinking about that. <br />
<br />
It's too late to write, my eyes are closing, so I will try to sleep and write something better tomorrow. Goodnight world Ellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15997706719395116504noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2708063265925254552.post-46853895656190570832012-11-07T11:19:00.001-08:002012-11-07T11:44:09.158-08:00Maybe It Won't Be So Bad...Hello everyone! I know it's been a few days since my last entry and awhile since my last food entry but its been so hectic I've hardly had time to get anything done!<br />
So I am finally officially moved in with my uncle in SJ. My room is nice and I'm excited about started school next semester...but sometimes I still doubt I've made the right decision. <br />
Should I have gone with my parents back to oakieville temporarily or was moving here to SJ the best decision?<br />
I am a family person to the core. My mom and I don't get along whatsoever, although I love her to death, but her company is comforting. And as for my father, we are so much alike, and I look up to him for everything. Being so far away from them will definitely be difficult for me, but I am 21 years old and it's time for me to leave the nest. They will only be a phone call away when I have a bad day or need their advice or even just to say hi. <br />
My other worry is that I have no friends here, yet anyway; there is only people I have known and can longer know because of him. <br />
I tried to fix things between him and I. And we did for a night. He cried and cried on the phone to me spewing out all his bullshit, which I of course fell for once more. <br />
"I have always loved you...my life has been shit since you left...I never deserved you...you deserve so much better...I want to die...you're the only person I talk to...everybody hates me..." You get the point. <br />
And I believed every single word he said and I felt like all was right; we could still be together if he can change (which he knew he needed to). <br />
But once the sun came up the fantasy ended and he was back to being an asshole, and he ended up hurting me more than before. So I had to let go, really let go. I told him I would never speak to him again and told him what I thought of him, which was not nice, although it was a true description of his real character. <br />
I cried all night. He made me feel like I didn't want to live anymore. I cut. I needed to feel real pain to distract from the pain inside that wouldn't leave my body. <br />
No one should ever have so much power over you, that they have the ability to make you feel like you aren't worth being alive anymore. No one. <br />
He ruined my fresh start. I ruined my fresh start. I began to think whether I could handle being in the same city as him. Had I made the right decision? <br />
I'm still not quite sure but I do know that I don't want to go to oakieville. I know that I really want to go to school and still be close with my old friends. And now I know that I am not going to let him mess this up for me, I won't let him. Even though I still care, I will pretend I don't, until one day when he won't even cross my mind. <br />
This is my time, why should I let someone who does not matter mess it up? No one will hold that power over me any longer. <br />
So yes must be the answer I've been looking for; I did make the right decision. <br />
Ellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15997706719395116504noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2708063265925254552.post-3505341654430040762012-11-02T23:32:00.001-07:002012-11-03T09:46:16.364-07:00Letter to himDear Asshole,<br />
You shattered my heart and left me when I needed you most. You lied about everything. I trusted you...<br />
And the thing that's the saddest is I would still do anything for you. I still love you after all you've put me through and you don't give a damn about me. Even though I love you, I hate you too and I don't want to but I should. I should hate you. You were more than horrible to me. I want closure. I want these feelings for you to go away as if I never felt them at all but it's not that easy. I don't understand how it was so easy for you to let me go. Sometimes I wish I had never met you. Why can't you just be there for me like you promised me? Why? Why did you do this to me? I hate you. I will never forgive you. Ugh I don't want to feel this way anymore!!!! Just tell me you're sorry, genuinely and I will leave you alone. Closure. Ellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15997706719395116504noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2708063265925254552.post-41740133186328835922012-10-31T14:35:00.000-07:002012-10-31T14:35:11.291-07:00The UnknownFirst off, HAPPY HALLOWEEN everyone!!!<br />
This has to be one of my favorite holidays. Unfortunately because I'm stuck in this lame city until tomorrow there has been no opportunities to find any awesome Halloween parties. Which is so sad because dressing up will never get old for me. Anyway if I end up staying in SJ for a few years (most likely) there will be many more opportunities for good times to come.<br />
<br />
Now on to a more serious topic...bleh...diet.<br />
Not good.<br />
Horrible.<br />
I'm horrible!<br />
I completely suck at being consistent!<br />
Honestly though, trying to be consistent while in the hectic situation I'm in right now, is extremely hard!<br />
Packing, studying, stressing, parents freaking out, etc.<br />
It's hard to keep anything in control! I can't even think straight for more than a minute. It hurts my brain!<br />
I don't think the situation will really calm down until December, but beginning tomorrow everything will slowly start to come together, and I might be able to have a semi-normal life of a college student, while working full time.<br />
Because tomorrow I move to SJ.<br />
Which I am very excited for, as well as so nervous, I could puke.<br />
Sometimes I wish I would, if only to make the feeling go away for good.<br />
If it wasn't for HIM, that evil, un-caring person who shattered my heart, I would be all smiles, with no bad nerves whatsoever.<br />
I try not to let him invade my thoughts, but my anger towards him always breaks through the walls I have built up to protect myself from thinking about him.<br />
These thoughts have been no friend for my diet either.<br />
My nerves, and anger, and sadness towards HIM, and my family, and this ugly financial situation we are in has only worsened the amount and type of food I have been eating.<br />
Also we are very poor, and there is not many choices, especially for a picky eater like me. It drives me crazy, and only makes me more frustrated!<br />
So I end up eating the only things here I can, oatmeal, toast, hot chocolate, hot dogs (ew), etc.<br />
There is no fruit, no vegetables, nothing light and filling. Just junk that doesnt taste good and makes me feel like shit after eating it.<br />
Unfortunately I can't be sure my diet will get any better in SJ. With no job, there is no money, which means my choices are limited to the person who has the money to buy the groceries. And that person would be my uncle, a bachelor with no idea what healthy means.<br />
But soon I will have a job, and I will be able to buy my own groceries! I'll make sure of it!!<br />
My goal is to have a job by mid November or sooner!<br />
And even so with my poor choices of food to eat, I want to be 117 by mid November as well.<br />
Right now I am stuck at 125 sometimes rising to 127 :(<br />
not good. So let's make it happen!<br />
I know I have a couple readers out there, so like I said before, I'd love some feedback. Tips, support, anything, okay? And I'll do the same for you.<br />
<br />
Wish me luck!Ellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15997706719395116504noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2708063265925254552.post-31832038820482988052012-10-24T20:05:00.001-07:002012-10-24T20:07:51.645-07:00Keep Moving ForwardI feel like shit.<br />
surprise, surprise!<br />
I was on vacation with my family the whole weekend, about 4 days total, and the trip screwed up everything!<br />
My diet was getting under control; I had begun to exercise and lose some weight! Until the vacation. I put on all the weight I had just lost! I am ashamed and discouraged, but finally today I got back in action.<br />
I just have to remember to keep moving forward. There will always be setbacks but as long as I stay strong and work hard everyday to get what I want, I know I will succeed!<br />
My diet wasn't the best today but I still did okay. I also exercised today! It felt amazing! Hopefully when I move to SJ there will be a pool nearby where I can swim. That is my favorite sport/exercise. So calming and refreshing, and also easy on the joints. Anyway...I found out yesterday I will be moving to SJ in about a week or less. I am excited but also extremely nervous. I'm mostly nervous about running into HIM. I'm so strung up on him, it would be a disaster for me to see him, even though that's all I want to do at the same time. Like I said before, I need to make sure I look stunning when I do see him so that he will always regret leaving me. So I need to keep moving forward! :)<br />
<br />
Diet Journal:<br />
-October 24:<br />
-Toast w/ butter & jelly (125 kcal)<br />
-10 Saltine crackers (120 kcal)<br />
-Frosted flakes cereal, about 2 large bowls (650 kcal) :(<br />
-Total: 895<br />
<br />
Not my best, but happy to be under 1000kcal.<br />
<br />
Exercise Journal:<br />
-October 24:<br />
-60 sit-ups<br />
-30 squats w/ 5 lb. weight per hand<br />
-3 different reps of 20 arm exercises w/ weights <br />
-Stretches for 30 min.<br />
<br />
Let's hope for a better tomorrow, and never forget - keep moving forward!<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />Ellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15997706719395116504noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2708063265925254552.post-65977213998618383022012-10-20T17:46:00.001-07:002012-10-20T17:46:12.794-07:00Never good ENOUGHI just don't understand. Am I doing something wrong?<br />
I always put myself out there. I try. I try so hard. Why is it never good for anyone?<br />
Why am I never good enough for anyone?<br />
I am a good person. I am one of the most trusting, loyal and honest people you can meet.<br />
Why can't that be enough? Why...?<br />
Someone please tell me because I can't seem to understand.<br />
Maybe if I lose enough weight will that be good enough?<br />
Or if I get surgery to look like the prettiest celebrity?<br />
When can I, just me, be good enough?<br />
I'm tired of trying...<br />
Some days I just want to disappear.<br />
Maybe it will be better that way.<br />
I don't exactly want to die, but I don't want to live either.<br />
I'm tired of being hurt...<br />
So maybe it's time to disappear and stop trying because I'm not sure I can handle never being good enough anymoreEllehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15997706719395116504noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2708063265925254552.post-82928534061478364662012-10-19T19:10:00.000-07:002012-10-19T19:11:14.873-07:00Keep CalmKeep calm, keep calm....and don't go completely insane!<br />
Anger is just coursing through my entire body, and I wish more than anything I could make him feel my pain, my heartache, I wish I could feel nothing for him as he feels nothing for me now.<br />
Why?!<br />
and why does my life have to be so unfortunate?!<br />
My family is poor which has inevitably made me poor. My parents are so poor in fact that they are going to be moving back to Oakie-ville with my grandma and there is no way I'm going back to Oakie-ville, so guess what my only other option is because I am poor also?<br />
The city where HE resides during the school year. No I don't have any friends besides his in this city (let's call it SJ) which sucks but my friends that I do have are closer from SJ than they are from Oakie-ville. Yes I am trying to make friends which are unfortunately semi-close friends with him, but it is hard for me to make friends and I like the people who happen to be his friends. A lot too, which really, really sucks. I really wish that we could all hang out together and I could be completely fine and normal around him, but he hurt me terribly, and I'm not the kind to forget that pain, or the person who caused it. And if these people choose to be friends with me also, which I do hope they will, I will definitely, no question about it, run into him. I hope when that day comes that 1) I will be Smokin' hot with guys drooling for me, and 2)I will be strong, confident, and not feel the pain of my heart breaking all over again.<br />
Which means I need to prepare and truly stick to a non-fat, low calorie diet, and have an extremely grueling workout routine.<br />
But unfortunately and fortunately I am spending a weekend with my family in a lake cabin, for free, and it's hard to hide my eating habits, to resist the great food, and to be able to have time to exercise.<br />
Someone help me please!!! Advice, tips, support, anything. I really need it right now.<br />
If I don't look awesome when I finally run into him, I will be devastated :(Ellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15997706719395116504noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2708063265925254552.post-37217345399993247072012-10-17T22:22:00.002-07:002012-10-17T22:22:46.553-07:00This is so hard, but it's amazing when I see the results at the end of the day! I made a few horrible choices today but luckily didn't really eat anything else. And again i'm starving right now, but it's nothing a few grapes and a lot of water won't fix :)<br />
<br />
Diet Journal:<br />
-October 17:<br />
-Homemade sugar cookies w/ frosting, 3 (should have never made these! 400 kcal)<br />
-Saltine crackers, 6 (72 kcal)<br />
-Toast w/ butter (120 kcal)<br />
-Grapes, 15, (30 kcal)<br />
-Total: 622<br />
<br />
Not too bad, and better than yesterday! Let's hope it keeps going just like this<br />
<br />
HW: 127.2<br />
<br />
CW: 125.6Ellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15997706719395116504noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2708063265925254552.post-61267301918271384242012-10-16T23:44:00.001-07:002012-10-16T23:45:45.592-07:00So today I did not eat very well, not very much, but not anything healthy. all nasty and fattening.<br />
<br />
Diet Journal:<br />
-October 15:<br />
-Maple & brown sugar oats<br />
-Toast with butter<br />
-13 Saltine crackers<br />
-Spaghetti (no meat just tomato sauce with garlic)<br />
-Sugar cookie, homemade, 1 with no frosting, 3 with frosting :(<br />
*not going to give a kcal count on this one because we all know its going to be absolutely horrible anyway!<br />
<br />
-October 16:<br />
-Sugar cookies, plain, 2 (160 kcal)<br />
-Cheez-its,15 (90 kcal)<br />
-Frosted mini wheats w/ 2% milk (375 kcal)<br />
-BBQ potato chips, 4 (40 kcal)<br />
-Total: 665 kcal<br />
<br />
<br />
Best calorie count in a long time!! pretty happy with that, but wish i could go lower still and definitely make better choices. But i'm pretty hungry right now so I need to go to bed and sleep it off.<br />
<br />
HW: 127.2 lbs.<br />
CW: 126.2 lbs. :) <br />
GW2: 117 lbs.<br />
UGW: 112.5 lbs. (maybe even less, but not until I get to this weight)<br />
Ellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15997706719395116504noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2708063265925254552.post-64661487936248331902012-10-14T23:34:00.001-07:002012-10-14T23:34:39.989-07:00Diet Journal:<br />
- October 14:<br />
-Whole wheat bread with butter & jelly (200 kcal)<br />
-Cartoon mac & cheese with butter, milk, & salt (entire box, 1050 kcal)<br />
-Progresso beef stew soup (100 kcal)<br />
-Artisan bread (4 slices, 200 kcal)<br />
-Saltines (3 crackers, 36 kcal)<br />
-Strawberry and banana yogurt (50 kcal) <br />
-Total: 1636 kcal<br />
<br />
If only I could've resisted the mac & cheese!! It was all good except for that grrr.<br />
Whatever I will do better tomorrow. Also tomorrow I am going to start a new exercise routine!<br />
Wish me luck!Ellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15997706719395116504noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2708063265925254552.post-27920635789882576282012-10-14T19:31:00.001-07:002012-10-14T19:31:23.622-07:00 The End of HimI just miss him. I shouldn't. But I do. I miss him so much.<br />
He left me when I needed him most and now my trust in humanity is at an all time low.<br />
I hate the way things ended. To end things at all was going to break my heart, but the way you decided to end things <i>shattered</i> my heart, almost to no repair.<br />
I gave him everything. I was always so good to him. I loved him with all my heart.<br />
All I ever got back was...hurt. He cheated, lied, and never could support me emotionally. And yet I stayed, always. I had already fallen in love and I can't just let go...I can't give up when I still feel love for him.<br />
Even now I still love him. Even though he called me a fucking psycho, just because I needed him when my world was falling apart and he didn't want to deal with it. Even though he said he didn't love me. Even when he said it wasn't real, anything he said to me. I have no choice now. I can't take any more blows from him.<br />
He told me to leave him alone, and after everything that's been said and done, I just don't have the strength to fight for anymore. I've been worn down to the ground, nothing left.<br />
I need time to rebuild. <br />
When things get better for me, He's going to wish he had stuck around. Even if things don't get better, I know he will always regret how we ended and how he treated me. I know he will never find someone who will be as good to him or love him as much as I did.<br />
But I refuse to be treated that way again, so him and I will never be together later on.<br />
I deserve better.<br />
<br />Ellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15997706719395116504noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2708063265925254552.post-90452261440560473812012-10-14T01:08:00.003-07:002012-10-14T01:08:39.109-07:00Diet Journal:<br />
-October 13:<br />
-Homemade buttermilk pancake with butter and syrup<br />
-12 oz. 2% milk<br />
-Whole wheat Ritz crackers (8)<br />
-Cheddar cheese (1X2" block)<br />
-10 oz. grape juice<br />
-Flour tortillas, small (2)<br />
-Pinto beans (3 tbsp)<br />
-Mixed cheese (1/4 cup?)<br />
-Seasoned ground beef (1/3 cup)<br />
-Strawberry banana yogurt, light<br />
-Red seedless grapes (10)<br />
<br />
Again not the best dieting day....but it's so hard to stay straight when my emotions are at an all time high and I'm an emotional eater! It's not fair!<br />
Oh and awesome...just realized my sister's stupid cat pissed on my bed. Great. My week just keeps on getting better. And I'm hungry again. I should be asleep already but my mind is in turmoil and just won't shut off. Looks like it's going to be a long night full of bad decisions ahead of me...<br />
Most likely there will be more posts to come later tonight, complaining about my life. If not, goodnight, and skinny dreams Ellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15997706719395116504noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2708063265925254552.post-43432960548140108122012-10-13T15:21:00.000-07:002012-10-13T15:21:19.067-07:00Surprise!Yup, I've failed again. Nothing is in my control and I'm going insane!<br />
My life is in shambles, why can't I at least have my diet under control? Just one thing, that's all I ask...nothing else in my life goes right. Is it really too much to ask that one thing go right?<br />
I am 21. No job, no money, not going to school. Just lost my boyfriend. Only one semi close friend. I am a loser. This is not where I am supposed to be!<br />
I've tried so hard but bad shit just keeps coming my way. I need it to change, but how? I've tried pretty much everything and I'm exhausted.<br />
Sometimes I just wish it all would end.<br />
<br />
current weight: 127.2 lbs<br />
goal weight: 112.5 lbs<br />
goal date: December 1st Ellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15997706719395116504noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2708063265925254552.post-16130381291748594112012-10-02T21:25:00.001-07:002012-10-02T21:25:39.625-07:00<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">Day One:</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">*Nature Valley granola bar</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">*Minute Maid orange juice (12 oz. bottle)</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">*Sierra Mist (1 can)</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">*BBQ chicken pizza with extra cheese (3 slices)</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">*Ranch (2 oz.)</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">*Hostess powdered donuts (5)</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">*Sour gummy bears (2 pieces)</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">*Water (32 oz.)</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">Horrible! Why can't I ever get the craving of donuts out of my system!? >:(</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">No more pizza OR donuts. Also NO more:</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">soda/juice drunks </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">chips </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">candy...This will be incredulously hard, as it's October, and Zachary's candy corn is my absolute weakness of all sweets!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">ANYthing that goes under the category "junk" </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">Day two must be better!Day two goals:</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">*Nature Valley granola bar</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">*OR oatmeal</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">*Ritz wheat crackers</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">*PB</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">*Fruit</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">*Some version of a healthy, low kcal dinner meal, ie rice &veggies w/ sauce</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">*Water ONLY</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;">Tomorrow we will see if I have succeeded it!</span><br />
<br />Ellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15997706719395116504noreply@blogger.com0