Wednesday, October 31, 2012

The Unknown

First off, HAPPY HALLOWEEN everyone!!!
This has to be one of my favorite holidays. Unfortunately because I'm stuck in this lame city until tomorrow there has been no opportunities to find any awesome Halloween parties. Which is so sad because dressing up will never get old for me. Anyway if I end up staying in SJ for a few years (most likely) there will be many more opportunities for good times to come.

Now on to a more serious
Not good.
I'm horrible!
I completely suck at being consistent!
Honestly though, trying to be consistent while in the hectic situation I'm in right now, is extremely hard!
Packing, studying, stressing, parents freaking out, etc.
It's hard to keep anything in control! I can't even think straight for more than a minute. It hurts my brain!
I don't think the situation will really calm down until December, but beginning tomorrow everything will slowly start to come together, and I might be able to have a semi-normal life of a college student, while working full time.
Because tomorrow I move to SJ.
Which I am very excited for, as well as so nervous, I could puke.
Sometimes I wish I would, if only to make the feeling go away for good.
If it wasn't for HIM, that evil, un-caring person who shattered my heart, I would be all smiles, with no bad nerves whatsoever.
I try not to let him invade my thoughts, but my anger towards him always breaks through the walls I have built up to protect myself from thinking about him.
These thoughts have been no friend for my diet either.
My nerves, and anger, and sadness towards HIM, and my family, and this ugly financial situation we are in has only worsened the amount and type of food I have been eating.
Also we are very  poor, and there is not many choices, especially for a picky eater like me. It drives me crazy, and only makes me more frustrated!
So I end up eating the only things here I can, oatmeal, toast, hot chocolate, hot dogs (ew),  etc.
There is no fruit, no vegetables, nothing light and filling. Just junk that doesnt taste good and makes me feel like shit after eating it.
Unfortunately I can't be sure my diet will get any better in SJ. With no job, there is no money, which means my choices are limited to the person who has the money to buy the groceries. And that person would be my uncle, a bachelor with no idea what healthy means.
But soon I will have a job, and I will be able to buy my own groceries! I'll make sure of it!!
My goal is to have a job by mid November or sooner!
And even so with my poor choices of food to eat, I want to be 117 by mid November as well.
Right now I am stuck at 125 sometimes rising to 127 :(
not good. So let's make it happen!
I know I have a couple readers out there, so like I said before, I'd love some feedback. Tips, support, anything, okay? And I'll do the same for you.

Wish me luck!

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Keep Moving Forward

I feel like shit.
surprise, surprise!
I was on vacation with my family the whole weekend, about 4 days total, and the trip screwed up everything!
My diet was getting under control; I had begun to exercise and lose some weight! Until the vacation. I put on all the weight I had just lost! I am ashamed and discouraged, but finally today I got back in action.
I just have to remember to keep moving forward. There will always be setbacks but as long as I stay strong and work hard everyday to get what I want, I know I will succeed!
My diet wasn't the best today but I still did okay. I also exercised today! It felt amazing! Hopefully when I move to SJ there will be a pool nearby where I can swim. That is my favorite sport/exercise. So calming and refreshing, and also easy on the joints. Anyway...I found out yesterday I will be moving to SJ in about a week or less. I am excited but also extremely nervous. I'm mostly nervous about running into HIM. I'm so strung up on him, it would be a disaster for me to see him, even though that's all I want to do at the same time. Like I said before, I need to make sure I look stunning when I do see him so that he will always regret leaving me. So I need to keep moving forward! :)

Diet Journal:
-October 24:
  -Toast w/ butter & jelly (125 kcal)
  -10 Saltine crackers (120 kcal)
  -Frosted flakes cereal, about 2 large bowls (650 kcal) :(
-Total: 895

Not my best, but happy to be under 1000kcal.

Exercise Journal:
-October 24:
  -60 sit-ups
  -30 squats w/ 5 lb. weight per hand
  -3 different reps of 20 arm exercises w/ weights
  -Stretches for 30 min.

Let's hope for a better tomorrow, and never forget - keep moving forward!

Saturday, October 20, 2012

Never good ENOUGH

I just don't understand. Am  I doing something wrong?
I always put myself out there. I try. I try so hard. Why is it never good for anyone?
Why am I never good enough for anyone?
I am a good person. I am one of the most trusting, loyal and honest people you can meet.
Why can't that be enough? Why...?
Someone please tell me because I can't seem to understand.
Maybe if I lose enough weight will that be good enough?
Or if I get surgery to look like the prettiest celebrity?
When can I, just me, be good enough?
I'm tired of trying...
Some days I just want to disappear.
Maybe it will be better that way.
I don't exactly want to die, but I don't want to live either.
I'm tired of being hurt...
So maybe it's time to disappear and stop trying because I'm not sure I can handle never being good enough anymore

Friday, October 19, 2012

Keep Calm

Keep calm, keep calm....and don't go completely insane!
Anger is just coursing through my entire body, and I wish more than anything I could make him feel my pain, my heartache, I wish I could feel nothing for him as he feels nothing for me now.
and why does my life have to be so unfortunate?!
My family is poor which has inevitably made me poor. My parents are so poor in fact that they are going to be moving back to Oakie-ville with my grandma and there is no way I'm going back to Oakie-ville, so guess what my only other option is because I am poor also?
The city where HE resides during the school year. No I don't have any friends besides his in this city (let's call it SJ) which sucks but my friends that I do have are closer from SJ than they are from Oakie-ville. Yes I am trying to make friends which are unfortunately semi-close friends with him, but it is hard for me to make friends and I like the people who happen to be his friends. A lot too, which really, really sucks. I really wish that we could all hang out together and I could be completely fine and normal around him, but he hurt me terribly, and I'm not the kind to forget that pain, or the person who caused it.  And if these people choose to be friends with me also, which I do hope they will, I will definitely, no question about it, run into him. I hope when that day comes that 1) I will be Smokin' hot with guys drooling for me, and 2)I will be strong, confident, and not feel the pain of my heart breaking all over again.
Which means I need to prepare and truly stick to a non-fat, low calorie diet, and have an extremely grueling workout routine.
But unfortunately and fortunately I am spending a weekend with my family in a lake cabin, for free, and it's hard to hide my eating habits, to resist the great food, and to be able to have time to exercise.
Someone help me please!!! Advice, tips, support, anything. I really need it right now.
If I don't look awesome when I finally run into him, I will be devastated :(

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

This is so hard, but it's amazing when I see the results at the end of the day! I made a few horrible choices today but luckily didn't really eat anything else. And again i'm starving right now, but it's nothing a few grapes and a lot of water won't fix :)

Diet Journal:
-October 17:
  -Homemade sugar cookies w/ frosting, 3 (should have never made these! 400 kcal)
  -Saltine crackers, 6 (72 kcal)
  -Toast w/ butter (120 kcal)
  -Grapes, 15, (30 kcal)
-Total: 622

Not too bad, and better than yesterday! Let's hope it keeps going just like this

HW: 127.2

CW: 125.6

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

So today I did not eat very well, not very much, but not anything healthy. all nasty and fattening.

Diet Journal:
-October 15:
  -Maple & brown sugar oats
  -Toast with butter
  -13 Saltine crackers
  -Spaghetti (no meat just tomato sauce with garlic)
  -Sugar cookie, homemade, 1 with no frosting, 3 with frosting :(
 *not going to give a kcal count on this one because we all know its going to be absolutely horrible anyway!

-October 16:
  -Sugar cookies, plain, 2 (160 kcal)
  -Cheez-its,15 (90 kcal)
  -Frosted mini wheats w/ 2% milk (375 kcal)
  -BBQ potato chips, 4 (40 kcal)
-Total: 665 kcal

Best calorie count in a long time!! pretty happy with that, but wish i could go lower still and definitely make better choices. But i'm pretty hungry right now so I need to go to bed and sleep it off.

HW: 127.2 lbs.
CW: 126.2 lbs. :)
GW2: 117 lbs.
UGW: 112.5 lbs. (maybe even less, but not until I get to this weight)

Sunday, October 14, 2012

Diet Journal:
- October 14:
  -Whole wheat bread with butter & jelly (200 kcal)
  -Cartoon mac & cheese with butter, milk, & salt (entire box, 1050 kcal)
  -Progresso beef stew soup (100 kcal)
  -Artisan bread (4 slices, 200 kcal)
  -Saltines (3 crackers, 36 kcal)
  -Strawberry and banana yogurt (50 kcal)
-Total: 1636 kcal

If only I could've resisted the mac & cheese!! It was all good except for that grrr.
Whatever I will do better tomorrow. Also tomorrow I am going to start a new exercise routine!
Wish me luck!

The End of Him

I just miss him. I shouldn't. But I do. I miss him so much.
He left me when I needed him most and now my trust in humanity is at an all time low.
I hate the way things ended. To end things at all was going to break my heart, but the way you decided to end things shattered my heart, almost to no repair.
I gave him everything. I was always so good to him. I loved him with all my heart.
All I ever got back was...hurt. He cheated, lied, and never could support me emotionally. And yet I stayed, always. I had already fallen in love and I can't just let go...I can't give up when I still feel love for him.
Even now I still love him. Even though he called me a fucking psycho, just because I needed him when my world was falling apart and he didn't want to deal with it. Even though he said he didn't love me. Even when he said it wasn't real, anything he said to me. I have no choice now. I can't take any more blows from him.
He told me to leave him alone, and after everything that's been said and done, I just don't have the strength to fight for anymore. I've been worn down to the ground, nothing left.
I need time to rebuild.
When things get better for me, He's going to wish he had stuck around. Even if things don't get better, I know he will always regret how we ended and how he treated me. I know he will never find someone who will be as good to him or love him as much as I did.
But I refuse to be treated that way again, so him and I will never be together later on.
I deserve better.

Diet Journal:
-October 13:
  -Homemade buttermilk pancake with butter and syrup
  -12 oz. 2% milk
  -Whole wheat Ritz crackers (8)
  -Cheddar cheese (1X2" block)
  -10 oz. grape juice
  -Flour tortillas, small (2)
  -Pinto beans (3 tbsp)
  -Mixed cheese (1/4 cup?)
  -Seasoned ground beef (1/3 cup)
  -Strawberry banana yogurt, light
  -Red seedless grapes (10)

Again not the best dieting day....but it's so hard to stay straight when my emotions are at an all time high and I'm an emotional eater! It's not fair!
Oh and awesome...just realized my sister's stupid cat pissed on my bed. Great. My week just keeps on getting better. And I'm hungry again. I should be asleep already but my mind is in turmoil and just won't shut off. Looks like it's going to be a long night full of bad decisions ahead of me...
Most likely there will be more posts to come later tonight, complaining about my life. If not, goodnight, and skinny dreams

Saturday, October 13, 2012


Yup, I've failed again. Nothing is in my control and I'm going insane!
My life is in shambles, why can't I at least have my diet under control? Just one thing, that's all I ask...nothing else in my life goes right. Is it really too much to ask that one thing go right?
I am 21. No job, no money, not going to school. Just lost my boyfriend. Only one semi close friend. I am a loser. This is not where I am supposed to be!
I've tried so hard but bad shit just keeps coming my way. I need it to change, but how? I've tried pretty much everything and I'm exhausted.
Sometimes I just wish it all would end.

current weight: 127.2 lbs
goal weight: 112.5 lbs
goal date: December 1st

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

Day One:
*Nature Valley granola bar
*Minute Maid orange juice (12 oz. bottle)
*Sierra Mist (1 can)
*BBQ chicken pizza with extra cheese (3 slices)
*Ranch (2 oz.)
*Hostess powdered donuts (5)
*Sour gummy bears (2 pieces)
*Water (32 oz.)

Horrible! Why can't I ever get the craving of donuts out of my system!? >:(
No more pizza OR donuts. Also NO more:
soda/juice drunks
candy...This will be incredulously hard, as it's October, and Zachary's candy corn is my absolute weakness of all sweets!
ANYthing that goes under the category "junk"

Day two must be better!Day two goals:
*Nature Valley granola bar
*OR oatmeal
*Ritz wheat crackers
*Some version of a healthy, low kcal dinner meal, ie rice &veggies w/ sauce
*Water ONLY

Tomorrow we will see if I have succeeded it!