Thursday, December 13, 2012

Karmic Synergy

He called.
He actually called.
I couldn't believe it.
I was up late writing a poem about our relationship (lame I know) when I get a text from random number.
And it was him.
We had a good conversation. But now I'm wondering if its worth trying again with him. Which we didn't talk about, getting together that is. I do want him in my life but as a boyfriend I'm not so sure anymore.
I know I've changed and I'm stronger than before but I tend to become weak in a relationship. And what if he hasn't changed? Then I definitely couldn't be with him. I'd be devastated all over again. I won't let that happen twice. I can't.
The only to figure this out I guess is to start over. Start as friends and see how things go. See if he's changed. See if you change around him. Don't dive in too soon. Make sure you are ready and that he is too. Don't rush into things like last time. Take it slow even as friends. Please listen to this advice! You need to remember these words to protect your heart. Please.

Wednesday, December 12, 2012

Monday, December 10, 2012

What Could Have Been

Today would have been one year strong if He had not abandoned me exactly 2 months ago. How should I feel about this day?
I don't know how I should feel. I shouldn't feel nostalgic but part of me does. I shouldn't feel sad anymore but how can I not be sad when this day could have turned out so differently? Part of me also knows that my expectations of today if we were still together would be too high for him, even though I never asked much of him. Flowers maybe? I would be satisfied with that and to spend the day with him, or even just to cook dinner together and enjoy each others company. I would have been happy with that. Would that have been too much to ask? I don't know, but I feel that it truly isn't that much to ask for. But it would have been too much for him; I am sure of that. He would put everything above our relationship and me. This day probably wouldn't have mattered to him compared with everything else of his. I'm sure I haven't even crossed his mind today, let alone the past month.
I really should not be going on about him like this, but I don't know how not to. How do you get over your first love? Someone tell me please! He doesn't care about me, I know this, and it kills me inside, because I know I would still do anything for him. I want to hate him, but hating him makes me hate myself. I just wish things could go back. Back to the beginning when things were new and good, and there were butterflies in my stomach every time he crossed my mind. When he was good to me, when he cared. I don't want anyone else, but he wants anyone else but me. Knowing that causes a pain deep inside my chest like nothing I have ever known. It is a pain I can't understand, because I know I did everything I possibly could for him, to save us, and never once hurt him. I was good to him, the best anyone could find. I did everything for him. Everything. How can he want someone else after all that? I just don't understand. Will I ever be able to understand? Sometimes I wish I had done something wrong, something to hurt him, just so I could understand how he could not want me any more.
But I didn't do anything wrong. I am sure of this. So somehow, in time, I will have to figure out how to get him out of my mind. I know there will always be a special, soft place in my heart for him, as my first love, but as of right now I am still in love with him, and I need to get over that. I need to get rid of the tiny, flickering light of hope I have for us to get back together one day. I am holding onto something that will never come true. We won't have a happy ending. The end of our story has already occurred and it is time for me to move onto another story, instead of rereading ours over and over again in my head.
He does not care about me and I should not care about someone who does not care about me. It should be as simple as that. This day has no meaning anymore. It is just another day in my life. And that's all.

Saturday, December 8, 2012

No Regrets

I am restless.
Wanting things to change.
Waiting for things to change.
And things have changed. Somewhat. But I need more! There is more for me out there than this, and I'm determined to get more. I really should be more patient about things, but I am an impatient person. I know what I want, and I want it now. But even I know that I need to make sure I can handle a full and exciting life before I go for it because I tend to crack under stress. I will not let that happen. Not anymore. I am finally starting to live my life, and although it has been and will be tough, I am going to make the most of it. Live every experience to the fullest. I won't let myself miss out on anything else after all that I've missed so far in my life. There will be no regrets. I'm going to make it happen, just you watch (:

Let Him Go..

I still miss him.
Tell yourself everyday: things happen for a reason, you are much too good for him, you can't fix him and he can't fix you,
I try to believe it but there is a pain deep in my chest whispering, "don't give up just yet," while ever other fiber of my being screams LET him GO!!!
I need to let him go. I know this, but I can't. I want to and yet it's so much more difficult than wanting not to feel something. Part of me just doesn't want to give up hope for us, but the other part of me just wants to be free of him.
He only holds me back now. He does nothing else but that. He will never call. He will never say the words I want to hear so desperately. He does nothing for me, as I sit here writing like a pathetic schoolgirl hopelessly in love with someone who will never care or worry for me the way I have cared for him.
It is torture.

Saturday, December 1, 2012

People are Cowards

Sometimes I wish I wasn't alive, I'm tired of feeling only pain when all I give to everyone is love, kindness, and honesty. I don't know who's the bigger coward: the blissfully ignorant or me?