Monday, December 10, 2012

What Could Have Been

Today would have been one year strong if He had not abandoned me exactly 2 months ago. How should I feel about this day?
I don't know how I should feel. I shouldn't feel nostalgic but part of me does. I shouldn't feel sad anymore but how can I not be sad when this day could have turned out so differently? Part of me also knows that my expectations of today if we were still together would be too high for him, even though I never asked much of him. Flowers maybe? I would be satisfied with that and to spend the day with him, or even just to cook dinner together and enjoy each others company. I would have been happy with that. Would that have been too much to ask? I don't know, but I feel that it truly isn't that much to ask for. But it would have been too much for him; I am sure of that. He would put everything above our relationship and me. This day probably wouldn't have mattered to him compared with everything else of his. I'm sure I haven't even crossed his mind today, let alone the past month.
I really should not be going on about him like this, but I don't know how not to. How do you get over your first love? Someone tell me please! He doesn't care about me, I know this, and it kills me inside, because I know I would still do anything for him. I want to hate him, but hating him makes me hate myself. I just wish things could go back. Back to the beginning when things were new and good, and there were butterflies in my stomach every time he crossed my mind. When he was good to me, when he cared. I don't want anyone else, but he wants anyone else but me. Knowing that causes a pain deep inside my chest like nothing I have ever known. It is a pain I can't understand, because I know I did everything I possibly could for him, to save us, and never once hurt him. I was good to him, the best anyone could find. I did everything for him. Everything. How can he want someone else after all that? I just don't understand. Will I ever be able to understand? Sometimes I wish I had done something wrong, something to hurt him, just so I could understand how he could not want me any more.
But I didn't do anything wrong. I am sure of this. So somehow, in time, I will have to figure out how to get him out of my mind. I know there will always be a special, soft place in my heart for him, as my first love, but as of right now I am still in love with him, and I need to get over that. I need to get rid of the tiny, flickering light of hope I have for us to get back together one day. I am holding onto something that will never come true. We won't have a happy ending. The end of our story has already occurred and it is time for me to move onto another story, instead of rereading ours over and over again in my head.
He does not care about me and I should not care about someone who does not care about me. It should be as simple as that. This day has no meaning anymore. It is just another day in my life. And that's all.

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