Tuesday, June 18, 2013

Complications of Love and Life

The ability to love easily is my greatest strength and my biggest weakness.
How can I still love the one who threw me to the side when I needed him most. The one who never treated me the way I deserved. The one who now gives everything I wanted from him to another girl.
Why wasn't I enough to make him want to do those things for me? Why does she get from him what I couldn't? I know that I am better, I loved him more. I tried with all my might and power to make him want us and it was never enough! So what the hell makes her so special?! Can someone please explain this to me because I don't think I'll ever be able to understand this...and if I can't understand this I'm not sure I'll ever be able to get over this situation...over him. And that's not fair. It's not fair to me, and it's especially not fair to Sig. He loves me so much. He would be willing to give me pretty much anything I wanted or needed but even though I do love Sig, I still love the one who broke my heart. Sig doesn't deserve that. No one does. I am ashamed of myself so much sometimes I can't even let Sig touch me. I feel like the most horrible and deceiving person alive. I'm not sure what I want right now. My mind changes from day to day of what I want and what I should do. I feel as if I'm going to insane. The pain and stress that those thoughts cause me is almost enough to make me do something disastrous like opting out of this life. The pain is so great I don't know how else to let it go...to just make it go away once and for all. I'm so confused with life. Can't someone just tell me what to do, what's right, who I am supposed to be with???

Monday, May 13, 2013

The Story of Us (Part I)

Well...I've been waiting for the right time to tell you all of my wonderful new boyfriend that I met back in November, but once something good comes into my life, all the bad comes along with it.

November seems so long ago now, I feel like a completely different person once again. Let's see what I can remember:
I had just moved to SJ at the beginning of the month, and within two weeks I had found a job. Despite everything that recently happened with my ex-boyfriend, things were looking up. I was determined to show him that I could be -that I was- better without him. I would do marvelous things and show him what a wonderful woman he gave up on.
But I was sad still. And lonely, so lonely. Despite how much He hurt me, I missed him badly. I felt ashamed for wanting someone who treated me so badly, for how I craved his attention, his "love." I was pathetic and had not one friend to help me build myself back up after He tore me down to my lowest point.
I was vulnerable and He knew it. He began to call, to text.
But it didn't feel right. It wasn't the same.
I realized I had begun to fall out of love with him after the first time he broke my heart. But I stayed. I thought I loved him, and most importantly I wanted to love him, and him love me. I was not one to give up easily on someone I cared about. I let him break my heart, embarrass me, and tear down my self esteem right from the beginning.
Finally I got enough confidence to realize he wasn't the one for me; I deserved better.

November 16, my first day at work. I was training on the computers located in the break room. Hardily paying attention to the boring videos playing, I was curiously watching from the corner of my eye all the different employees pass through the break room. No one particularly stood out - just regular people trying to get through work, until a man caught my eye.
He was attractive, blue eyes, with a chiseled jaw. We looked into each others eyes, blushed and turned away. I left that day with a smile, hoping to see the handsome stranger again. After the Thanksgiving rush I officially began working and to my dismay there was no sign of the handsome stranger.
I was losing hope of seeing him again, when one day we happened to have our breaks at the same time. I was being loud in the break room, poking fun with my new coworkers. He joined in our conversations, and once some others left he began to ask me some friendly questions, which I happily answered.
We began to have our breaks coincidentally together, and everytime we would talk with each other. There was this feeling inside me that he brought out. It was like nothing I have ever experienced before. It just felt good, it felt more than good, it felt right. When we talked we would stare into each others' eyes with a fiery intensity that felt unbreakable. As one coworker later described our gaze, "it looked like you guys wanted to devour each other."
And I did want to devour him. I wanted to know everything about him, I craved him. He made me feel incredible with just a look. I waited for him to make a move but I was afraid he didn't feel the same way.
One night about a week before Christmas I decided to go grocery shopping -at the store we both worked at. To my delight I noticed he was working. Trying not to be too eager I continued my shopping when I was stopped by a stranger.
"hey you're Elle right?"
"uhh, yes I am?"
"hi my name's (*name*), and my friend Sig* over there really likes you but is too shy to talk to you. You should go over there and talk to him."
(his friend was trying  to give him a hard time)
Slightly embarrassed but overjoyed, I walked over to Sig with confidence and started a conversation.
That night he gave me his number.
I felt beyond happy and excited to start something new.
When I called we talked for 4 hours, and the very next night we went to Denny's after work and talked until the sun was almost up. He bought me flowers on Christmas. They were the first flowers I had ever gotten from a man.

~to be continued~
(ps sorry for the long explanations...I am a detail oriented person and can't help but put all the details I can remember in my stories! That way nothing is left out)

Tuesday, March 19, 2013


Last night, unable to sleep, I sat cross-legged on the edge of the bed softly crying. Not too loud but loud enough to wake up my boyfriend trying to sleep next to me.
"What's wrong?" He asks.
All I can do is stare blankly and mutter, "I don't know...I don't know..."
My mind, what a fucked up place it is.
Beyond repair? Lately I'd say yes.

I feel as if I am nothing. I am just a waste of space. I want to shrink into the smallest form I can, until there is almost nothing left. I try, and I try, and I try, and in the end I always fail. It's a vicious cycle bound to repeat itself again and again over time. What is anything worth anymore when in the end I always fail?

I just want to feel beautiful and be happy and somewhat successful in my life. I really don't think that is too much to ask for. I just want change. I want it so badly I am making myself fail. I don't how to get past myself and my disabilities to get to that place I dream of. There is so many things that I let hold me back from being this successful, happy and beautiful person I want to be. They say anything is possible...but I don't know what to believe anymore.