Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Time To Get In Shape

I have not been doing so well diet wise. Weight wise, it is not so bad, but I really need to get my butt in shape!
When I first moved here (to SJ) I went down to 122.6 lbs in a week. But my food choices, while limited, were very unhealthy, and it has begun to show on my skin :/ blotchy and little pimples appearing everywhere.
So if that doesn't mean it's time to change my eating habits than I don't know what is.
So I will make myself write daily entries in a food journal EVERYday, starting bright and early tomorrow morning...which normally would be horrible considering it's Thanksgiving Day, but I won't be participating as I am far away from my family this year.
CW: 123.6 lbs
GW1: Dec 1st
GW2: Dec 15th
UGW: Jan 1st
Also I will (promise this time!) begin my workout routine tomorrow and keep it up throughout the weeks!
Wish luck!

Thursday, November 15, 2012

Sleep is for the weak?

It's 1:34 am. Lying in bed. Wide awake. Thoughts are loud.
I hate sleepless nights. Feeling restless is torture when all I want is the comfort of a deep, peaceful sleep. Those are the most refreshing but lately I can't seem to sleep that well. I do have a lot on my mind, and can't seem to relax. That must be my problem. How can I relax though? Loneliness and money problems are a major downer, even when I'm being as positive as I possibly can. I need to figure out a better solution but its driving me mad as I'm always thinking about that.

It's too late to write, my eyes are closing, so I will try to sleep and write something better tomorrow. Goodnight world

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

Maybe It Won't Be So Bad...

Hello everyone! I know it's been a few days since my last entry and awhile since my last food entry but its been so hectic I've hardly had time to get anything done!
So I am finally officially moved in with my uncle in SJ. My room is nice and I'm excited about started school next semester...but sometimes I still doubt I've made the right decision.
Should I have gone with my parents back to oakieville temporarily or was moving here to SJ the best decision?
I am a family person to the core. My mom and I don't get along whatsoever, although I love her to death, but her company is comforting. And as for my father, we are so much alike, and I look up to him for everything. Being so far away from them will definitely be difficult for me, but I am 21 years old and it's time for me to leave the nest. They will only be a phone call away when I have a bad day or need their advice or even just to say hi.
My other worry is that I have no friends here, yet anyway; there is only people I have known and can longer know because of him.
I tried to fix things between him and I. And we did for a night. He cried and cried on the phone to me spewing out all his bullshit, which I of course fell for once more.
"I have always loved life has been shit since you left...I never deserved deserve so much better...I want to're the only person I talk to...everybody hates me..." You get the point.
And I believed every single word he said and I felt like all was right; we could still be together if he can change (which he knew he needed to).
But once the sun came up the fantasy ended and he was back to being an asshole, and he ended up hurting me more than before. So I had to let go, really let go. I told him I would never speak to him again and told him what I thought of him, which was not nice, although it was a true description of his real character.
I cried all night. He made me feel like I didn't want to live anymore. I cut. I needed to feel real pain to distract from the pain inside that wouldn't leave my body.
No one should ever have so much power over you, that they have the ability to make you feel like you aren't worth being alive anymore. No one.
He ruined my fresh start. I ruined my fresh start. I began to think whether I could handle being in the same city as him. Had I made the right decision?
I'm still not quite sure but I do know that I don't want to go to oakieville. I know that I really want to go to school and still be close with my old friends. And now I know that I am not going to let him mess this up for me, I won't let him. Even though I still care, I will pretend I don't, until one day when he won't even cross my mind.
This is my time, why should I let someone who does not matter mess it up? No one will hold that power over me any longer.
So yes must be the answer I've been looking for; I did make the right decision.

Friday, November 2, 2012

Letter to him

Dear Asshole,
You shattered my heart and left me when I needed you most. You lied about everything. I trusted you...
And the thing that's the saddest is I would still do anything for you. I still love you after all you've put me through and you don't give a damn about me. Even though I love you, I hate you too and I don't want to but I should. I should hate you. You were more than horrible to me. I want closure. I want these feelings for you to go away as if I never felt them at all but it's not that easy. I don't understand how it was so easy for you to let me go. Sometimes I wish I had never met you. Why can't you just be there for me like you promised me? Why? Why did you do this to me? I hate you. I will never forgive you. Ugh I don't want to feel this way anymore!!!! Just tell me you're sorry, genuinely and I will leave you alone. Closure.