I still miss him.
why?...
Tell yourself everyday: things happen for a reason, you are much too good for him, you can't fix him and he can't fix you,
I try to believe it but there is a pain deep in my chest whispering, "don't give up just yet," while ever other fiber of my being screams LET him GO!!!
I need to let him go. I know this, but I can't. I want to and yet it's so much more difficult than wanting not to feel something. Part of me just doesn't want to give up hope for us, but the other part of me just wants to be free of him.
He only holds me back now. He does nothing else but that. He will never call. He will never say the words I want to hear so desperately. He does nothing for me, as I sit here writing like a pathetic schoolgirl hopelessly in love with someone who will never care or worry for me the way I have cared for him.
It is torture.
Saturday, December 8, 2012
Saturday, December 1, 2012
People are Cowards
Sometimes I wish I wasn't alive, I'm tired of feeling only pain when all I give to everyone is love, kindness, and honesty. I don't know who's the bigger coward: the blissfully ignorant or me?
Wednesday, November 21, 2012
Time To Get In Shape
I have not been doing so well diet wise. Weight wise, it is not so bad, but I really need to get my butt in shape!
When I first moved here (to SJ) I went down to 122.6 lbs in a week. But my food choices, while limited, were very unhealthy, and it has begun to show on my skin :/ blotchy and little pimples appearing everywhere.
So if that doesn't mean it's time to change my eating habits than I don't know what is.
So I will make myself write daily entries in a food journal EVERYday, starting bright and early tomorrow morning...which normally would be horrible considering it's Thanksgiving Day, but I won't be participating as I am far away from my family this year.
CW: 123.6 lbs
GW1: 122...by Dec 1st
GW2: 117...by Dec 15th
UGW: 112...by Jan 1st
Also I will (promise this time!) begin my workout routine tomorrow and keep it up throughout the weeks!
Wish luck!
When I first moved here (to SJ) I went down to 122.6 lbs in a week. But my food choices, while limited, were very unhealthy, and it has begun to show on my skin :/ blotchy and little pimples appearing everywhere.
So if that doesn't mean it's time to change my eating habits than I don't know what is.
So I will make myself write daily entries in a food journal EVERYday, starting bright and early tomorrow morning...which normally would be horrible considering it's Thanksgiving Day, but I won't be participating as I am far away from my family this year.
CW: 123.6 lbs
GW1: 122...by Dec 1st
GW2: 117...by Dec 15th
UGW: 112...by Jan 1st
Also I will (promise this time!) begin my workout routine tomorrow and keep it up throughout the weeks!
Wish luck!
Thursday, November 15, 2012
Sleep is for the weak?
It's 1:34 am. Lying in bed. Wide awake. Thoughts are loud.
I hate sleepless nights. Feeling restless is torture when all I want is the comfort of a deep, peaceful sleep. Those are the most refreshing but lately I can't seem to sleep that well. I do have a lot on my mind, and can't seem to relax. That must be my problem. How can I relax though? Loneliness and money problems are a major downer, even when I'm being as positive as I possibly can. I need to figure out a better solution but its driving me mad as I'm always thinking about that.
It's too late to write, my eyes are closing, so I will try to sleep and write something better tomorrow. Goodnight world
I hate sleepless nights. Feeling restless is torture when all I want is the comfort of a deep, peaceful sleep. Those are the most refreshing but lately I can't seem to sleep that well. I do have a lot on my mind, and can't seem to relax. That must be my problem. How can I relax though? Loneliness and money problems are a major downer, even when I'm being as positive as I possibly can. I need to figure out a better solution but its driving me mad as I'm always thinking about that.
It's too late to write, my eyes are closing, so I will try to sleep and write something better tomorrow. Goodnight world
Wednesday, November 7, 2012
Maybe It Won't Be So Bad...
Hello everyone! I know it's been a few days since my last entry and awhile since my last food entry but its been so hectic I've hardly had time to get anything done!
So I am finally officially moved in with my uncle in SJ. My room is nice and I'm excited about started school next semester...but sometimes I still doubt I've made the right decision.
Should I have gone with my parents back to oakieville temporarily or was moving here to SJ the best decision?
I am a family person to the core. My mom and I don't get along whatsoever, although I love her to death, but her company is comforting. And as for my father, we are so much alike, and I look up to him for everything. Being so far away from them will definitely be difficult for me, but I am 21 years old and it's time for me to leave the nest. They will only be a phone call away when I have a bad day or need their advice or even just to say hi.
My other worry is that I have no friends here, yet anyway; there is only people I have known and can longer know because of him.
I tried to fix things between him and I. And we did for a night. He cried and cried on the phone to me spewing out all his bullshit, which I of course fell for once more.
"I have always loved you...my life has been shit since you left...I never deserved you...you deserve so much better...I want to die...you're the only person I talk to...everybody hates me..." You get the point.
And I believed every single word he said and I felt like all was right; we could still be together if he can change (which he knew he needed to).
But once the sun came up the fantasy ended and he was back to being an asshole, and he ended up hurting me more than before. So I had to let go, really let go. I told him I would never speak to him again and told him what I thought of him, which was not nice, although it was a true description of his real character.
I cried all night. He made me feel like I didn't want to live anymore. I cut. I needed to feel real pain to distract from the pain inside that wouldn't leave my body.
No one should ever have so much power over you, that they have the ability to make you feel like you aren't worth being alive anymore. No one.
He ruined my fresh start. I ruined my fresh start. I began to think whether I could handle being in the same city as him. Had I made the right decision?
I'm still not quite sure but I do know that I don't want to go to oakieville. I know that I really want to go to school and still be close with my old friends. And now I know that I am not going to let him mess this up for me, I won't let him. Even though I still care, I will pretend I don't, until one day when he won't even cross my mind.
This is my time, why should I let someone who does not matter mess it up? No one will hold that power over me any longer.
So yes must be the answer I've been looking for; I did make the right decision.
So I am finally officially moved in with my uncle in SJ. My room is nice and I'm excited about started school next semester...but sometimes I still doubt I've made the right decision.
Should I have gone with my parents back to oakieville temporarily or was moving here to SJ the best decision?
I am a family person to the core. My mom and I don't get along whatsoever, although I love her to death, but her company is comforting. And as for my father, we are so much alike, and I look up to him for everything. Being so far away from them will definitely be difficult for me, but I am 21 years old and it's time for me to leave the nest. They will only be a phone call away when I have a bad day or need their advice or even just to say hi.
My other worry is that I have no friends here, yet anyway; there is only people I have known and can longer know because of him.
I tried to fix things between him and I. And we did for a night. He cried and cried on the phone to me spewing out all his bullshit, which I of course fell for once more.
"I have always loved you...my life has been shit since you left...I never deserved you...you deserve so much better...I want to die...you're the only person I talk to...everybody hates me..." You get the point.
And I believed every single word he said and I felt like all was right; we could still be together if he can change (which he knew he needed to).
But once the sun came up the fantasy ended and he was back to being an asshole, and he ended up hurting me more than before. So I had to let go, really let go. I told him I would never speak to him again and told him what I thought of him, which was not nice, although it was a true description of his real character.
I cried all night. He made me feel like I didn't want to live anymore. I cut. I needed to feel real pain to distract from the pain inside that wouldn't leave my body.
No one should ever have so much power over you, that they have the ability to make you feel like you aren't worth being alive anymore. No one.
He ruined my fresh start. I ruined my fresh start. I began to think whether I could handle being in the same city as him. Had I made the right decision?
I'm still not quite sure but I do know that I don't want to go to oakieville. I know that I really want to go to school and still be close with my old friends. And now I know that I am not going to let him mess this up for me, I won't let him. Even though I still care, I will pretend I don't, until one day when he won't even cross my mind.
This is my time, why should I let someone who does not matter mess it up? No one will hold that power over me any longer.
So yes must be the answer I've been looking for; I did make the right decision.
Friday, November 2, 2012
Letter to him
Dear Asshole,
You shattered my heart and left me when I needed you most. You lied about everything. I trusted you...
And the thing that's the saddest is I would still do anything for you. I still love you after all you've put me through and you don't give a damn about me. Even though I love you, I hate you too and I don't want to but I should. I should hate you. You were more than horrible to me. I want closure. I want these feelings for you to go away as if I never felt them at all but it's not that easy. I don't understand how it was so easy for you to let me go. Sometimes I wish I had never met you. Why can't you just be there for me like you promised me? Why? Why did you do this to me? I hate you. I will never forgive you. Ugh I don't want to feel this way anymore!!!! Just tell me you're sorry, genuinely and I will leave you alone. Closure.
You shattered my heart and left me when I needed you most. You lied about everything. I trusted you...
And the thing that's the saddest is I would still do anything for you. I still love you after all you've put me through and you don't give a damn about me. Even though I love you, I hate you too and I don't want to but I should. I should hate you. You were more than horrible to me. I want closure. I want these feelings for you to go away as if I never felt them at all but it's not that easy. I don't understand how it was so easy for you to let me go. Sometimes I wish I had never met you. Why can't you just be there for me like you promised me? Why? Why did you do this to me? I hate you. I will never forgive you. Ugh I don't want to feel this way anymore!!!! Just tell me you're sorry, genuinely and I will leave you alone. Closure.
Wednesday, October 31, 2012
The Unknown
First off, HAPPY HALLOWEEN everyone!!!
This has to be one of my favorite holidays. Unfortunately because I'm stuck in this lame city until tomorrow there has been no opportunities to find any awesome Halloween parties. Which is so sad because dressing up will never get old for me. Anyway if I end up staying in SJ for a few years (most likely) there will be many more opportunities for good times to come.
Now on to a more serious topic...bleh...diet.
Not good.
Horrible.
I'm horrible!
I completely suck at being consistent!
Honestly though, trying to be consistent while in the hectic situation I'm in right now, is extremely hard!
Packing, studying, stressing, parents freaking out, etc.
It's hard to keep anything in control! I can't even think straight for more than a minute. It hurts my brain!
I don't think the situation will really calm down until December, but beginning tomorrow everything will slowly start to come together, and I might be able to have a semi-normal life of a college student, while working full time.
Because tomorrow I move to SJ.
Which I am very excited for, as well as so nervous, I could puke.
Sometimes I wish I would, if only to make the feeling go away for good.
If it wasn't for HIM, that evil, un-caring person who shattered my heart, I would be all smiles, with no bad nerves whatsoever.
I try not to let him invade my thoughts, but my anger towards him always breaks through the walls I have built up to protect myself from thinking about him.
These thoughts have been no friend for my diet either.
My nerves, and anger, and sadness towards HIM, and my family, and this ugly financial situation we are in has only worsened the amount and type of food I have been eating.
Also we are very poor, and there is not many choices, especially for a picky eater like me. It drives me crazy, and only makes me more frustrated!
So I end up eating the only things here I can, oatmeal, toast, hot chocolate, hot dogs (ew), etc.
There is no fruit, no vegetables, nothing light and filling. Just junk that doesnt taste good and makes me feel like shit after eating it.
Unfortunately I can't be sure my diet will get any better in SJ. With no job, there is no money, which means my choices are limited to the person who has the money to buy the groceries. And that person would be my uncle, a bachelor with no idea what healthy means.
But soon I will have a job, and I will be able to buy my own groceries! I'll make sure of it!!
My goal is to have a job by mid November or sooner!
And even so with my poor choices of food to eat, I want to be 117 by mid November as well.
Right now I am stuck at 125 sometimes rising to 127 :(
not good. So let's make it happen!
I know I have a couple readers out there, so like I said before, I'd love some feedback. Tips, support, anything, okay? And I'll do the same for you.
Wish me luck!
This has to be one of my favorite holidays. Unfortunately because I'm stuck in this lame city until tomorrow there has been no opportunities to find any awesome Halloween parties. Which is so sad because dressing up will never get old for me. Anyway if I end up staying in SJ for a few years (most likely) there will be many more opportunities for good times to come.
Now on to a more serious topic...bleh...diet.
Not good.
Horrible.
I'm horrible!
I completely suck at being consistent!
Honestly though, trying to be consistent while in the hectic situation I'm in right now, is extremely hard!
Packing, studying, stressing, parents freaking out, etc.
It's hard to keep anything in control! I can't even think straight for more than a minute. It hurts my brain!
I don't think the situation will really calm down until December, but beginning tomorrow everything will slowly start to come together, and I might be able to have a semi-normal life of a college student, while working full time.
Because tomorrow I move to SJ.
Which I am very excited for, as well as so nervous, I could puke.
Sometimes I wish I would, if only to make the feeling go away for good.
If it wasn't for HIM, that evil, un-caring person who shattered my heart, I would be all smiles, with no bad nerves whatsoever.
I try not to let him invade my thoughts, but my anger towards him always breaks through the walls I have built up to protect myself from thinking about him.
These thoughts have been no friend for my diet either.
My nerves, and anger, and sadness towards HIM, and my family, and this ugly financial situation we are in has only worsened the amount and type of food I have been eating.
Also we are very poor, and there is not many choices, especially for a picky eater like me. It drives me crazy, and only makes me more frustrated!
So I end up eating the only things here I can, oatmeal, toast, hot chocolate, hot dogs (ew), etc.
There is no fruit, no vegetables, nothing light and filling. Just junk that doesnt taste good and makes me feel like shit after eating it.
Unfortunately I can't be sure my diet will get any better in SJ. With no job, there is no money, which means my choices are limited to the person who has the money to buy the groceries. And that person would be my uncle, a bachelor with no idea what healthy means.
But soon I will have a job, and I will be able to buy my own groceries! I'll make sure of it!!
My goal is to have a job by mid November or sooner!
And even so with my poor choices of food to eat, I want to be 117 by mid November as well.
Right now I am stuck at 125 sometimes rising to 127 :(
not good. So let's make it happen!
I know I have a couple readers out there, so like I said before, I'd love some feedback. Tips, support, anything, okay? And I'll do the same for you.
Wish me luck!
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